10 Tricks to Aging Gracefully
As I am aging I have been privy to some nasty surprises. Hairs in odd spots that grow with the speed of a comet, grey hairs in even odder spots, wetness, lumps, dots and other random weird shit become everyday. I have seen countless articles on women lamenting the pitfalls of aging. In fact, I have written some of my own.
Instead of getting ourselves down about aging, I propose a new way to think. I aim to embrace the glass-half-full approach to aging. So, here are my ageless secrets to a happy 40’s, 50s and beyond:
- Have you nicknamed your nipple hairs yet? I find if something has a name it is more endearing. My nipple hairs are Spider Nipples (feel free to use that). My spider nipples’ superpower is to attract the loving hand of the man in our house who loves to save his family from spiders. There is nothing my husband prefers more then to squish spiders.
- Wolfies, also known as the random long facial hairs that appear overnight, have been plaguing me for years. But now that my children are 11 & 13, they have become useful. I use those random wolf hairs as intimidation for our children to do as I say. I will only pluck them when the laundry/garbage/dishes are done. I might as well be a werewolf coming to pick them up from school in their eyes. ‘Muuum! You are so embarrassing.’ They forget I am totally cool with embarrassing. I crossed the embarrassing line years ago.
- I never shave my toes in November out of solidarity. ToeVember should be recognized as a charity. Why should the boys have all the fun?
- I aim to embrace my lumpy legs because no matter my exercise regime, it seems my body wants to develop a new norm. Lumpy thighs is a reason to eat more mashed potatoes and gravy. Let me explain. If you serve lumpy mash with gravy, it reminds your husband of your naked thighs and buttocks. He gets excited, therego you don’t have to work so hard later because your husband is primed. As a bonus, you get to eat more mash and gravy and don’t have to work so hard at the gym to smooth it out. All good.
- Because of my mash potato addiction, Goodwill is getting some barely-worn lovely things. Who doesn’t want to help the less fortunate?
- Weight gain also has the advantage of allowing you not to see grey pubes. I know they are probably there, but who can see past that muffin? I don’t even have to name them.
- Tinkle in your panties? With panty-liner firmly in place, casually cross your legs just like the movie stars do on the red carpet every time you laugh, sneeze, cough, hiccup, burp, talk or fart. You will always look stylish and fashionable even if you dribble.
- Random spots (red, brown, white, you name it) means one thing. You run, not walk, to the nearest aesthetician! Run, with your legs crossed a little so it is more like a faster walk, but get there quick and ask for the works. You will enjoy chilled lemon water, a manicure, pedicure, facial, hot stone massage and a bill for $200 of recommended additional products. The spots will still be there, but you won’t notice for a day or two.
- Aches and pains? I have one word: Massage! You likely have some extended health care benefits at this advanced age. Max it out and massage it out. Learning to work the system is your fucking right.
- Self-doubt and anxiety are the easiest to solve. Girl’s Weekend! When you are not planning, planning to attend or enjoying a girl’s weekend you can always get the same affect at home by turning on Bridesmaids and opening a bottle of wine while you send the family to run errands. Book clubs work too so long as they are not at your house because, well, cleaning.
It is not easy aging gracefully. Get to know your doctor’s receptionist, massage therapist, aesthetician, laser technician, physiotherapist, liquor store staff and some really good friends. Think of them as an extended family of people trying to get you to 50 or 60. You will get there in style with these trendy tips even if you are wet, lumpy and hairy.