15 Uses for All That Extra Toilet Paper

15 Uses for All That Extra Toilet Paper

So, you overdid it on the toilet paper. I think most of us don’t understand that particular version of panic buying, then again, I don’t live close to the edge on TP. We always seem to have an extra roll somewhere. Panic buying chocolate I’d understand, however.

I only recently had to buy an 8-pack of the soft stuff to make sure we were ready for our night of Indian take-out. There, of course, was plenty of TP in the store because so many people hoarded it for so long that the demand is down to me and some guy who looked to be using it as food. This got me thinking that maybe I was missing something with the hoarding. What are people really doing with all those shit tickets*?

15 Uses for All That Extra Toilet Paper

  1. Soundproofing offices. I say office, but I really mean the bathroom. That way you can’t discern the muffled cries of, “What’s for dinner, mum?” again while you have a moment of peace.
  2. Writing “Please Send Help” notes. Flush and hope someone living in the sewer system because their home was foreclosed on, feels like they are not alone.
  3. Redoing your popcorn ceiling with TP spitballs.
  4. Tipping your Uber Eats driver when he drops off your take-out Indian.
  5. Creating a door where there wasn’t one. This allows for in-home social distancing which is becoming increasingly important for the health and wellbeing of people who sleep soundly and might succumb to pillow-over-the-face syndrome. A nasty bi-product of the Covid-19 pandemic rarely discussed.
  6. Bra stuffing. No one is going to notice you’ve put on 20lbs if your proportions stay the same.
  7. Covering your floors. This avoids the undesirable chore of washing said floors. Cover liberally, and when one of the shit-heads you live with drops something, they remove that section of the floor and replace it. Just pick up your feet as you walk so you don’t take the floor with you.
  8. Packing your ears during WH press briefings. Everything seems saner when you can’t hear the Cheeto in Charge’s verbal diarrhea.
  9. When you just can’t do another load of laundry, TP becomes a toga. They have made wedding dresses out of the stuff, certainly, that zoom meeting would be more interesting in a TP Toga. Pants optional.
  10. Weaponry. If you ask me when I’m going to get to the laundry, you get to dodge a roll. With any luck, I will catch you off-guard and bean you with it knocking some sense into that skull.
  11. Give back to nature. Plant a toilet roll and see if it regenerates into a tree.
  12. Someone you know celebrating during isolation? Birthday streamers, welcome home banners, even school projects requiring a large surface to display your message is solved with a few rolls of single-ply. “We don’t have sanitizer, but our neighbour does,” takes only three rolls, as an aside.
  13. Need to kick your partner out of the bed but don’t have a couch or spare room that doesn’t have an occupant? Toilet paper linens and a pillowy soft mattress can make even the hardest kitchen floor comfortable. Remember that breakfast in bed you requested to get you kicked out in the first place? Now it is easy because you’re already there.
  14. If you don’t have a home gym, use those rolls for good. Drop one as you are bringing more upstairs and watch it unroll and rest on the bottom stair again. This is for forearms (re-rolling), legs (repeated stairs), lungs (from loud swearing). You go!
  15. Home Schooling got you down? Grab the Charmin and get those youngsters to count every square on a roll and see if they are consistent. (One of them will lose track and have to start again which buys extra time). Math and babysitting in one. Then, get your students to reroll those suckers and see how much they grow. More math. They can then roll it out and measure how long each is and roll it back up and see if the roll grew again. How come you aren’t already doing this? Then they tear each square and stack to measure again. About this time your students will go rogue and plan ahead for science and try dropping an egg on the TP stack and have to clean the whole house because Mum-Doesn’t-Clean-Up-Your-Mess-If-You-Are-not-Following-Her-Curriculum. Monday–done.

Did you hoard toilet paper? If so, explain your logic to me so I can understand. I’m staying home, if I need to clean up back there, the shower is pretty close. Are you eating too much Indian take-out? Does Chipotle deliver where you are? Help a girl out?

*I did not originate the term shit tickets, but I love it.


Comments

  1. I still had a 12 pack when this thing started, and then the store had none. One day I went on an off day for us and there were 5 packages of Charmin Ultra Soft (6 pack) and I grabbed one with both arms! Who knows how long this foolishness is going to go on. Maybe all those hoarders know something we didn’t! I still have a 4 pack of ‘Brand X’ – aka sandpaper which if all else fails, we can use. But still, I’d like to see some more in stock before we have to resort to that!

    My husband lives on the Lay’s variety pack (18 tiny packages) of chips and now they have gone up in price! Lack of potatoes???

    Sounds like all is not as calm as it seems in the Laco home front anymore. Isolation not as fun as you once thought?

    • It still has its fun moments. I’m used to having the house to myself and having a cleaning lady. Both of those changes are making me marginally crazy. Overall though, we aren’t fairing too badly. Everyone is still alive which is how I’m measuring success these days. That’s good, right?!

      • We come and go as we usually do – mostly without a car and depending on taxi’s, we go no where a lot. So this isn’t all that unusual for us, but I have to admit, there’s something about knowing you’re not supposed to go out that makes it a bigger temptation than usual. Wish our DVD player worked!
        And coming up with 15 different things to do with your surplus of toilet paper must have taken up significant time for you. But you missed the one where your dog plays doggie football with a roll.

  2. Ironically my internet service went out over the weekend and I really could have used some of these ideas. Not that we’ve been hoarding toilet paper, but just as some people have suggested, er, creative alternatives to toilet paper’s regular use I think it would have been better to come up with creative alternatives for its creative alternative uses.
    Now that meat supplies are dropping I’m wondering if the toilet paper was a red herring promoted by people who, when everyone else was grabbing toilet paper, quietly stocked up on actual herring.
    Christopher recently posted…Double Decked.My Profile

    • Mmmm… herring. Oh wait, I’m not a fan. Scrap that. As for hoarding, I’m fully on board with the flour stockpile and have a giant bag of it in our garage. But the family asked me to stop baking. Come on! I guess I could paper mache a herring using the TP.

  3. Luckily we had just bought a big pack of TP before the COVID went down. Even with that we had to dip into an emergency stash of 1-Ply that my mother accidentally bought when she was visiting with us last year. 1-Ply is no way to live! When we sold a painting on FB marketplace we put it outside on the porch and asked the woman to just leave the money in an envelope so we could practice good social distancing. When we went to pick up the money she had also left us two rolls of 2-Ply! She got a great buyer rating!
    Arionis recently posted…Into Every RV’ers Life A Little 💩 Must FallMy Profile

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