15 Uses for All That Extra Toilet Paper
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So, you overdid it on the toilet paper. I think most of us don’t understand that particular version of panic buying, then again, I don’t live close to the edge on TP. We always seem to have an extra roll somewhere. Panic buying chocolate I’d understand, however.
I only recently had to buy an 8-pack of the soft stuff to make sure we were ready for our night of Indian take-out. There, of course, was plenty of TP in the store because so many people hoarded it for so long that the demand is down to me and some guy who looked to be using it as food. This got me thinking that maybe I was missing something with the hoarding. What are people really doing with all those shit tickets*?
15 Uses for All That Extra Toilet Paper
- Soundproofing offices. I say office, but I really mean the bathroom. That way you can’t discern the muffled cries of, “What’s for dinner, mum?” again while you have a moment of peace.
- Writing “Please Send Help” notes. Flush and hope someone living in the sewer system because their home was foreclosed on, feels like they are not alone.
- Redoing your popcorn ceiling with TP spitballs.
- Tipping your Uber Eats driver when he drops off your take-out Indian.
- Creating a door where there wasn’t one. This allows for in-home social distancing which is becoming increasingly important for the health and wellbeing of people who sleep soundly and might succumb to pillow-over-the-face syndrome. A nasty bi-product of the Covid-19 pandemic rarely discussed.
- Bra stuffing. No one is going to notice you’ve put on 20lbs if your proportions stay the same.
- Covering your floors. This avoids the undesirable chore of washing said floors. Cover liberally, and when one of the shit-heads you live with drops something, they remove that section of the floor and replace it. Just pick up your feet as you walk so you don’t take the floor with you.
- Packing your ears during WH press briefings. Everything seems saner when you can’t hear the Cheeto in Charge’s verbal diarrhea.
- When you just can’t do another load of laundry, TP becomes a toga. They have made wedding dresses out of the stuff, certainly, that zoom meeting would be more interesting in a TP Toga. Pants optional.
- Weaponry. If you ask me when I’m going to get to the laundry, you get to dodge a roll. With any luck, I will catch you off-guard and bean you with it knocking some sense into that skull.
- Give back to nature. Plant a toilet roll and see if it regenerates into a tree.
- Someone you know celebrating during isolation? Birthday streamers, welcome home banners, even school projects requiring a large surface to display your message is solved with a few rolls of single-ply. “We don’t have sanitizer, but our neighbour does,” takes only three rolls, as an aside.
- Need to kick your partner out of the bed but don’t have a couch or spare room that doesn’t have an occupant? Toilet paper linens and a pillowy soft mattress can make even the hardest kitchen floor comfortable. Remember that breakfast in bed you requested to get you kicked out in the first place? Now it is easy because you’re already there.
- If you don’t have a home gym, use those rolls for good. Drop one as you are bringing more upstairs and watch it unroll and rest on the bottom stair again. This is for forearms (re-rolling), legs (repeated stairs), lungs (from loud swearing). You go!
- Home Schooling got you down? Grab the Charmin and get those youngsters to count every square on a roll and see if they are consistent. (One of them will lose track and have to start again which buys extra time). Math and babysitting in one. Then, get your students to reroll those suckers and see how much they grow. More math. They can then roll it out and measure how long each is and roll it back up and see if the roll grew again. How come you aren’t already doing this? Then they tear each square and stack to measure again. About this time your students will go rogue and plan ahead for science and try dropping an egg on the TP stack and have to clean the whole house because Mum-Doesn’t-Clean-Up-Your-Mess-If-You-Are-not-Following-Her-Curriculum. Monday–done.
Did you hoard toilet paper? If so, explain your logic to me so I can understand. I’m staying home, if I need to clean up back there, the shower is pretty close. Are you eating too much Indian take-out? Does Chipotle deliver where you are? Help a girl out?
*I did not originate the term shit tickets, but I love it.