20 Year-Round Starbucks Seasonal Cups That Didn’t Stack Up
The PSL or pumpkin spiced latte (which is not actually spiced like a pumpkin but more like a pumpkin pie, which is infinitely more delicious, but who’s being that particular?) is back at Starbucks with a reminder that fall is here. What you may not know is that after fall comes the dreaded holiday cups which continue to create controversy where there is none. Starbucks possibly creates this fake news so as not to draw attention to their other ‘cup failures.’ Really, they are a big company with some crazy-ass ideas*. Here is a tall sample of the cup ideas Starbucks had in production but removed to avoid ensuring their ‘holiday’ cups were the star attraction.
- For fall, they had a fun cartoon pumpkin drinking spiced rum and pooping a latte.
- Octoberfest and St Patrick’s Day cups kept falling over and spilling regardless of what was on the outside.
- The slutty halloween costume series were a bust:
- Tall-Cup slutty maid for reaching those high places
- Grande-Cup slutty nurse for getting you into big trouble with her large cups
- Venti-Cup slutty HVAC worker because they work your vents, of course
- Thanksgiving Day Cups somehow made the coffee skim over like gravy. No one seemed thankful.
- “So what if the cornucopia cup runneth over and didn’t stand upright? That is kind-of the point,” a former Starbucks executive tweeted.
- The snowflake series–every cup was different. Something about cost on this one made these fall… come on Starbucks, you just charged me $3.54 for a coffee, you can afford it.
- One with “Merry Christmas,” “Happy Kwanzaa,” and “Happy Hanukkah” on it.
- A Festivus cup that aired its own grievances with catchy little phrases all over it like, “If you don’t ask for a Venti, you are weak.”
- New Years Day cups seemed to be used more for vomit than coffee so everything was tossed.
- The heart-covered Valentine’s Day cup created a stir when customers said their name was Romeo, or Whereforartthou making calling out drinks for the Baristas uncomfortable.
- Super Bowl cups were actually bowls and not so super.
- Earth Day cups no one wanted because customers felt like hypocrites holding their non-recyclable beverage container.
- The Good Friday cups bled wherever you placed your hand.
- Memorial Day cups were graced with medals of honour but no one really thought through the pin problem.
- 4-20 cups we can’t remember, man, but they were dope.
- Mother’s Day cups just wanted to be left alone.
- Independence Day cups included a sparkler in every drink. Really people, we should be telling our toddlers not to eat the fire–learning moment–so I’m not sure what the fuss was about.
- Pride cups were covered in glitter. This messy idea was the only thing put back in the closet that month.
- Bank Holiday cups had money taped to the bottom as a gift when you finished your drink and became too difficult to keep in stock.
- Labour Day cups just didn’t work.
*None of these are the actual ideas of anyone affiliated with Starbucks, that I know of. Enjoy your controversy-free PSL.