25 Crafts Using Kale

25 crafts kale mum revised

Everyone’s favourite food to hate is now a popular new craft medium.

“I was tired of putting kale on snookums plate and then throwing it away uneaten. Even the dog wouldn’t go near it,” crafty entrepreneur Mrs. Marge Tempura told us. “So, I came up with some ideas to keep kale in our lives without having to ingest it,” added the professional homemaker. “I’ve always been crafty, but now I have a new muse,” she continued, never putting down her glue gun.

Mrs. Tempura’s craft ideas have spawned an Etsy store and a #1 Bestselling book in the Food as Craft section of the New York Times list. “I am grateful for the wonder food that is making our lives so full of folate,” as stated by an online reviewer named “Anon E. Mouse.”

In addition to solving the problem of having to throw away perfectly good food that some people in Africa are starving for, Mrs. Tempura has also solved the ‘What the fuck do I do with my kid’s plethora of lousy art,” problem.

“The advantage to kale crafting is that it deteriorates over time and starts to smell,” Mrs. Tempura explains. “The kids are voluntarily throwing away their projects, sometimes even after an hour. It has been a godsend really,” Mrs. Tempura added.

Of the crafts Mrs. Tempura is most proud is the wallpaper art for the bathroom. The project requires soaking the kale in bathwater and gluing it to the glass enclosure. The craft gives the kids much needed extra kale privacy, and when it falls off into the tub, they learn to use the plunger effectively. “I think they all have a future in plumbing!” Mrs. Tempura added with a little tear of pride about the new skill they have acquired.

“The craft I get the most requests to YouTube though is the kale-mache face masks,” Mrs. Tempura showed us the process.

  1. Prepare a shallow bin of 1 part white glue and four parts warm water.
  2. Soak the kale for approximately 2 minutes or until pliable.
  3. Apply wet kale to your child’s face ensuring you work around the nose hoses. “They make the funniest faces during the process,” Mrs. Tempura added. “The bonus is that it is a family craft with everyone participating by holding the model down,” Mrs. Tempura noted. “We’ve had many laughs with that one.”
  4. It takes hours to dry properly. Once it dries, the model is usually fast asleep. Place the finished product on your kids’ walls within eyesight of their bed. “That way, when your cherub wakes up, they are reminded of the fun they had with kale,” Mrs. Tempura gushed.

When this reporter asked the Tempura family why they just didn’t stop serving kale, there was no response.

You can find 25 Crafts Using Kale at Amazon.com and in better grocery stores in the kale isle. “That was my idea,” added Mr. Tempura. It really is a family affair.

This article was rejected as a submission ‘elsewhere’, but I still liked it so thought I would share it with y’all. Cuz, love.


Comments

  1. Love it. I tried Kale once. A kale mache mask would’ve been a better use.
    Cassandra recently posted…Self-Serve Self-EsteemMy Profile

  2. I’ve been trying and trying to like kale since it attained “super food” status. Then a few weeks ago I read about the controversy that maybe, *just maybe*, kale collects heavy metals more than other vegetables and therefore isn’t that good for you after all. Until science can give a definitive answer, I’m back to my beloved (and delicious) spinach. Safety first!

  3. Frightening but true: one summer I worked at a restaurant chain stocking the salad bar. This was pre-superfood and kale was used as a garnish to hide the metal frame so people would think those plastic buckets of shredded carrot and egg salad had grown there naturally, like in a garden. I have the hardest time getting blue cheese dressing to take root, but that’s another story.
    The kale was put in cold storage overnight and we used the same unwashed leaves for three to five days.
    I don’t see that anymore. People would probably eat it.

    • OMG! I remember the salad bar kale at The Keg. You mean that crumbled bacon wasn’t just planted there? “I have the hardest time getting blue cheese dressing to take root,” HA! 3-5 days is a bit disturbing, however.

  4. Inspired by Mrs. Tempura’s example, I’ve been hard at work all day making cauliflower earrings and Christmas tree baubles from Brussels sprouts.
    Bun Karyudo recently posted…Broken BalconyMy Profile

  5. I like kale chips. Those are righteous.

  6. hahahaha,

  7. “Never putting down her glue gun.” Haha! This is disgustingly plausible!

  8. […] breath of fresh air probably doesn’t apply to her guest post but hey ho.)  Seriously this hilarious post of hers…oh my days!  Anyway, I could and would relate to Kristine’s #OopsFiles post but my […]

  9. […] Mum Revised – 25 Crafts Using Kale […]

  10. I was intrigued when I clicked on this as I have found Kale only appropriate for feeding to guinea pigs. I am thrilled at the idea that I can use it to decorate the bathroom and / or the faces of my offspring! I can so see why Prabs picked this post for her #BlogStars. My cheeks are actually aching from smirking and sniggering so much at this. I love it! Brilliant post x

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