5 Qualifications to be My Best Friend
Although I am not really in the market for a best friend, because I have truly amazing friends, I thought I would post the job description in the unlikely event that I am in need. You know, if I accidentally try and gas one of them. Oh yeah, I already tried that (sorry, Carolina). Or, if I accidentally dry humped you (sorry, Selly). Or, if I threw you under the bus at the passport office to save my own vacation (sorry, Judie). Or, if I embarrass you in front of a perfectly nice, good looking gentleman only trying to help us. That I did to all of them. So at any time, my friends will abandon me and the job could be open. I’m just being prudent.
Anyhoo, now you know I am an awesome friend. If you want to apply, here goes.
1. You must be there for me 24 hours a day. Thou shalt never give me the ‘just a minute’ look because you are discussing something with a less important person, like your kid. I never have to wait for you to take care of something else.
2. You must be able to, in equal parts, make me laugh and make me cry and know what I need.
3. We shall have a standing monthly commitment. It could be coffee, a long call (I’m old so I still use the phone–that is what your texting machine is also used for), a workout (that was a joke), or a glass of wine. Never a month shall be missed.
4. You recommend things that you think I would like. You pay attention to me. My likes, dislikes. Essentially, I don’t need to know you or really pay attention to you, but I need all the attention and love. Are you ok with total and complete worship?
5. I always feel like I am the only one who has this special relationship with you. I can tell you my strangest of obsessions and dirtiest little secrets and you will not judge. You will take it on and serve me what I need.
Essentially, if you are Netflix, you can be my new bestie.
This is an homage to my real peeps. Not all of them are in these pictures, but you can get a feeling for how special they are. They are my Netflix for realsies.