5 Qualifications to be My Best Friend

qualifications best friend

Although I am not really in the market for a best friend, because I have truly amazing friends, I thought I would post the job description in the unlikely event that I am in need. You know, if I accidentally try and gas one of them. Oh yeah, I already tried that (sorry, Carolina). Or, if I accidentally dry humped you (sorry, Selly). Or, if I threw you under the bus at the passport office to save my own vacation (sorry, Judie). Or, if I embarrass you in front of a perfectly nice, good looking gentleman only trying to help us. That I did to all of them. So at any time, my friends will abandon me and the job could be open. I’m just being prudent.

Anyhoo, now you know I am an awesome friend. If you want to apply, here goes.

1. You must be there for me 24 hours a day. Thou shalt never give me the ‘just a minute’ look because you are discussing something with a less important person, like your kid. I never have to wait for you to take care of something else.

2. You must be able to, in equal parts, make me laugh and make me cry and know what I need.

3. We shall have a standing monthly commitment. It could be coffee, a long call (I’m old so I still use the phone–that is what your texting machine is also used for), a workout (that was a joke), or a glass of wine. Never a month shall be missed.

4. You recommend things that you think I would like. You pay attention to me. My likes, dislikes. Essentially, I don’t need to know you or really pay attention to you, but I need all the attention and love. Are you ok with total and complete worship?

5. I always feel like I am the only one who has this special relationship with you. I can tell you my strangest of obsessions and dirtiest little secrets and you will not judge. You will take it on and serve me what I need.

Essentially, if you are Netflix, you can be my new bestie.

This is an homage to my real peeps. Not all of them are in these pictures, but you can get a feeling for how special they are. They are my Netflix for realsies.


  1. You always make me smile. I love that I am one of your Besties aka Netflix. You are mine too. Love Judie

  2. You’ve already got a dog, what more do you need? If you ever move to Florida, we can open negotiations on the besties thing. Unfortunately, I have a few requirements of my own! For instance, will you still love me when I’m an ass?

  3. That’s you on the bottom, second from the right, in each of those pyramids, isn’t it? So you might want to mention that one of the benefits of being your friend is you’re one of the supportive ones.

    Yeah, I feel like I’m gettin’ a little too sappy here. No sugar in my coffee, thanks.
    Christopher recently posted…The Log In My Eye.My Profile

  4. Wow, Kristine…

    I thought we were already online besties, and now my feeling are hurt.

    Also, your list of requirements looks just like mine. I would never state them out loud, or in writing, the way you did. I just tend to try on friends, and if they don’t meet my needs, I let them float away, on a lonely and uncomfortable raft.

    Do you think that two such demanding people can be besties? If so, I’ll apply and I’ll accept your application as well. Love you!

  5. Unless you call me one of your online besties, who you might one day like to meet in real life, you’re dead to me. Either that or we really need to fill out each others’ applications. Love you to the moon and back! If you don’t love me the same, then you can fuck off to the moon and stay there. XOXOXO!

    • A little harsh but I like it. Online besties it is (not at all because your comment sounds like you could hurt me if you wanted to.)

      • She skeers me a little too 🙂
        halfa1000miles recently posted…That Time I Tried to be CoolMy Profile

        • Don’t worry, guys. I’m a very passionate, but yet gentle person. Like I said, if you disappoint me more than a few times and don’t apologize I’ll just basically let you drift out to sea. I won’t even set your raft on fire; that’s how nice I am! I’ve only completely iced out 2 women in my life and they both deserved it. The first one, Gina, whose wedding I was in told all of the other brides maids that she and I had been lovers, and that this was a heartbreaking day for me. Ha! She wished! The second one, Cindy, abused our friendship in so many ways that I wouldn’t know where to start. When we were in our early 30s we acknowledged that it would be really hard if one of us got married, since we were the last single ladies around. Well, I did get married at aged 35. I tried to talk to her about it, but she just kept saying that everything was fine and that she felt nothing but happiness for me. And then was soooo passive aggressive that I did have to send her to the moon and leave her there. She still doesn’t know what she did wrong.

        • ? ?

  6. I somehow just know you would be an awesome, in person friend. There’s totally nothing wrong with an inadvertent dry hump every now and again 🙂

    Additional qualifications for my online-only besties:

    1. Like my shit.
    2. If you see a lot of people aren’t liking my shit, like it twice.
    3. At least pretend we will probably meet IRL life one day.
    4. Call out my typos.
    5. Put me on your dang blogroll.
    halfa1000miles recently posted…That Time I Tried to be CoolMy Profile

  7. If you weren’t so freakin’ fun and funny I’d have to quit being your bestie. Lucky for me you’re so awesome and I’m one of your chosen ones. xo

  8. I need to be your roommate at whatever next conference we both attend. You rock and you are so lucky to have so many good friends. 🙂

  9. Kristine, I will make it my life long online mission to be your online bestie. First let me win the powerball or the Pulitzer Prize (whichever comes first), then I will BUY out Netflix and gift it to you at our “Best Friend Ceremony”… I am so glad I found your blog or you found me first, now I’ll be blogstalking you until the time we can watch Netflix together happily for the rest of our lives.
    Agent Spitback recently posted…I Have Chosen Not To ForgetMy Profile

  10. Too funny Kris. I’m happy to be a bestie!

  11. I don’t think any of your terms are unreasonable – I would and DO demand the same. In other news, people don’t seem thrilled to hang out with me. I don’t know what’s going on 🙂
    Jana recently posted…The Smiling ManMy Profile

  12. These pics make me smile:). Everyone needs a posse this happy!
    Candidkay recently posted…We do life in this houseMy Profile

  13. […] If you liked this post, you might also like my 5 Qualifications to be My Best Friend post here. […]

  14. […] If you liked this post, you might also like my 5 Qualifications to be My Best Friend post here. […]

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