5 Things I Am Stabby About This Week
Welcome to my first combination Friday 5 and Friday F-Off! These are exciting times.
I needed to tell you what I am stabby about this week. I know the following are trivial but if you say that to me, I can’t be held accountable for my actions. You have been warned.
1. Canada Post is going to post boxes at the end of the street versus home delivery. I have no idea why I am hot under the collar on this one this week with so much other crap in the news. But then you will see my other rants and totally understand that I am irrational and require a shot to the head.
Canada Post, I get it, those boxes save the taxpayers money and eliminates wasteful jobs. I’m sure the postal workers are saying ‘who needs a job when you can get the taxpayers to pay you social assistance’. That seems a much better use of our taxpayer dollars then employing the friendly guy that I almost ran over with my car the other day (true story). There are several other reasons why this pisses me off though.
- They are hideous! We have such a lovely tree-lined neighbourhood and those boxes they are proposing are just plain ugly. They look like a wall in the park. Who does that but the Chinese and the Germans? Even the Germans tore their wall down in the name of progress.
- I am at the end of the street. What if they want to use my front yard? Can I paint them camo?
- Everyone and their dog will be there. You know that the box will be covered in dog fecal matter and urine the moment it is in the ground. I prefer to not know where there has been defecation and live in my virtual bubble but now I will know.
- And speaking of urine, the parking pisses me off. Do you think the entire neighbourhood is going to walk to get their mail if the fucking post office won’t walk to deliver it? Not bloody likely! Instead, there will be a parking traffic jam any given time of the day around the red dog toilet.
- I won’t be able to get my mail all winter because it is too fucking cold so why would I get out of the car?
2. Kraft Dinner is changing its formula. I wrote an article about it over on BluntMoms. If you get a chance, check it out. I use the F-word a lot so you know I am really mad. The editors removed the one where I called the marketers fucking morons. I think they made the right call.
3. Toothpaste. Did you know that some of the most popular toothpaste manufacturers put tiny little plastic blue dots in their toothpaste for aesthetic reasons? They are not for scouring, they just make the toothpaste look pretty before you put it in your mouth. That’s right, they are using polyethylene which is not water soluble or even biodegradable. The reason I know this is because my hygienist found these little blue dots stuck in patients’ gums and started asking other hygienists. Did you know that the toothpaste your dentist gave you for being a good girl/boy probably has these little flecks? Your kids’ toothpaste too. My dentist gets the samples free from the manufacturer (which I suspect is mostly the case). Our dentist felt the need to inform me of these plastic pieces and gave me the option to not have the free toothpaste as a result. I love free toothpaste! I don’t like brushing my teeth with plastic! What would you do?
4. My broken body. I am over having this cast on and when I try to walk without it I hobble. I end up putting my weight on the outside of my foot, leaning over like I have an imaginary walker and craning my face in an ‘I am concentrating, don’t bug me’ kind-of way. Super attractive. Besides, I have gained over 450 pounds and have considered submitted my resume to ‘My 600 Pound Life’ reality show because of the stress eating.
5. Forms. I have filled out a plethora of forms this week. Specifically I filled out 3 insurance forms, 2 tax forms, 8 pages of health forms, 2 application forms, 1 request for refund form, 1 survey, 1 real estate form and 2 field trip forms. WTF?! I am cramping up. Who writes this much in a week with a PEN? Even if it is a pretty amazing pen…
I know that there are far greater things to worry about. Baltimore, ISIS/ISIL, when we start calling Bruce Jenner Brittany, Heather or Brucella (he hasn’t decided)… but it is the little shit that drives me crazy enough that I can’t even worry about the big stuff.
Now that I got that all off my chest I feel a lot better. That was a joke. I still feel stabby.