6 US States Use Their Successful Puppy Mill Models to Develop Exciting New Baby Retreats

6 US States Use Their Successful Puppy Mill Models to Develop Exciting New Baby Retreats

“It is a glorious day here in Montgomery,” spokesperson Carey Less, told reporters on site at the newly christened People’s Child Retreat. “We now have a world where young women keep popping out babies to make adopting a baby an everyday occurrence.”

In a media release, The People’s Child Retreat explained why they set up the facilities.

“The People’s Child Retreat was established to feed the growing demand for infants throughout the United States and abroad. Many orphanages and foster homes have children of school age who likely have some pre-established psychological problems too complicated for new parents to want to pay for or even comprehend. We allow families who are looking to adopt an infant an opportunity to get a risk-free baby at a reasonable cost. Everybody wins.”

Women who are living at the retreat were unavailable for an interview. We were told, also by media release, that, “At the Retreat, women enjoy the miracle of childbirth every nine months. It makes the labouring process so much easier when the cervix hasn’t had time to rest between deliveries.”

Some opponents of the controversial baby factories are protesting outside the buildings located in Mississippi, Kentucky, Arkansas, South Carolina, Montana, and here in Alabama. “We feel the unethical treatment of women being forced to reproduce here is an abomination,” protestor Mistie Flowers commented. “The women sleep on wire cages in their faecal matter with no exercise, health care, and a high risk of dehydration.”

She went on to tell me that the women are given identity bracelets when they enter the facility that embeds into the swollen pregnant wrists forcing hand amputation in 80% of cases.

When asked about the bracelets, Mr. Less claims. “We don’t see this as a problem since the women’s arms are placed in their retreat rooms at their sides when they register. A clear tag of their impregnation schedule is on their cage door, so we rarely refer to the bracelets anyway.”

When asked if the women get pregnant the natural way, Mr. Less had this to say. “Women at our Retreat don’t want anyone near them. They are in the resting position with their legs in comfortable stirrups that allow for airflow, drainage of excrement, and vaginal exams by our fully trained cleaning staff. Each day they get an internal sperm bath, and we let nature take its course from there.”

If you are interested in adopting a newborn from The People’s Child Retreat, go to www.PC_Retreat.com to choose your colour and ethnic makeup. Time is running out to get your order in for Christmas delivery so register your selection today.

 

This is a satirical news piece about the establishment of baby mills, mocking the absurdity of puppy mills being legal in many states. Because, apparently, we have to remind people when it is satire now. It might have another political slant (cough Alabama), but I’ll leave that to your own interpretation.

Photo by Rose Elena on Unsplash


Comments

  1. What a sorry condition we do very little to correct. Shame on all of us for not monitoring the situation more strenuously. BTW. This blog was very scary and not so impossible to believe (at least in a ‘futuristic’ society).

    Again, BTW – how come I have to register (confirm) following your blog every single time I make a comment?

    • A technical question for me? That is beyond my abilities but I will ask someone else who might be able to help.
      Unfortunately, the scariest of human actions are the easiest to satire because it is so hard to believe, we have to laugh to soften the blow of the message. Sad, indeed.

  2. I worry this may not be recognized as satire because certain places (cough, Alabama) are moving toward making it a reality.
    And as a dog person (and also a cat person–the two are not mutually exclusive) there are few things that horrify me more than puppy mills. Sometimes I wonder whether humans as a species deserve dogs. I certainly know more than a few people who shouldn’t have dogs.
    Christopher recently posted…Message In A Bottle.My Profile

  3. Puppy mills are a terrible thing and it makes me so sad that nothing ever gets done about it!

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