6 US States Use Their Successful Puppy Mill Models to Develop Exciting New Baby Retreats
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“It is a glorious day here in Montgomery,” spokesperson Carey Less, told reporters on site at the newly christened People’s Child Retreat. “We now have a world where young women keep popping out babies to make adopting a baby an everyday occurrence.”
In a media release, The People’s Child Retreat explained why they set up the facilities.
“The People’s Child Retreat was established to feed the growing demand for infants throughout the United States and abroad. Many orphanages and foster homes have children of school age who likely have some pre-established psychological problems too complicated for new parents to want to pay for or even comprehend. We allow families who are looking to adopt an infant an opportunity to get a risk-free baby at a reasonable cost. Everybody wins.”
Women who are living at the retreat were unavailable for an interview. We were told, also by media release, that, “At the Retreat, women enjoy the miracle of childbirth every nine months. It makes the labouring process so much easier when the cervix hasn’t had time to rest between deliveries.”
Some opponents of the controversial baby factories are protesting outside the buildings located in Mississippi, Kentucky, Arkansas, South Carolina, Montana, and here in Alabama. “We feel the unethical treatment of women being forced to reproduce here is an abomination,” protestor Mistie Flowers commented. “The women sleep on wire cages in their faecal matter with no exercise, health care, and a high risk of dehydration.”
She went on to tell me that the women are given identity bracelets when they enter the facility that embeds into the swollen pregnant wrists forcing hand amputation in 80% of cases.
When asked about the bracelets, Mr. Less claims. “We don’t see this as a problem since the women’s arms are placed in their retreat rooms at their sides when they register. A clear tag of their impregnation schedule is on their cage door, so we rarely refer to the bracelets anyway.”
When asked if the women get pregnant the natural way, Mr. Less had this to say. “Women at our Retreat don’t want anyone near them. They are in the resting position with their legs in comfortable stirrups that allow for airflow, drainage of excrement, and vaginal exams by our fully trained cleaning staff. Each day they get an internal sperm bath, and we let nature take its course from there.”
If you are interested in adopting a newborn from The People’s Child Retreat, go to www.PC_Retreat.com to choose your colour and ethnic makeup. Time is running out to get your order in for Christmas delivery so register your selection today.
This is a satirical news piece about the establishment of baby mills, mocking the absurdity of puppy mills being legal in many states. Because, apparently, we have to remind people when it is satire now. It might have another political slant (cough Alabama), but I’ll leave that to your own interpretation.