7 Recommended Cosmetic Procedures for A Nation Divided

7 Recommended Cosmetic Procedures for A Nation Divided

With the news being as grim as it is of late, there are risks. Risks to your heart with the added stress; risks to your physical well-being at family gatherings if you have differing political views; and risks to your mental health with the toggle of breaking news in the media.

But, let’s talk vanity.

If you are suffering from the stress of the news, also know as “Headlines”, here are the procedures you need to consider.

  1. Botox. Combat those worry lines making that 11 on your forehead turn to a waxy flat plain. Now you can worry all you like and still look like everything is okay.
  2. Tummy Tuck. First, it will make you feel better. Second, it will disguise the stress eating you have had to take up in the last two years. Third, it will make you a smaller target when cousin Ned has his third shot of moonshine before dinner and wants to discuss the state of the nation.
  3. Brow Lift. This is essential. When you roll your eyes without your brows lifted it looks like an eye roll and cousin Ned doesn’t take kindly to eye rolls. With a brow lift, you are just looking up and all around and no one is the wiser because you could be actually hunting for witches. 
  4. Chemical Peel. When you are unhappy with your face, just peel it off and start new. The fresh skin and revitalized youth of your dermis will give you months of youthful glow before the weight of the nation sinks back into your pores.
  5. Hair Transplant. Are you losing hair at an unusually fast pace? Or, are you pulling it out at the madness? Instead, let new hair take root with this life-affirming treatment for everyone. (Comb over sweeps are ill-advised. They serve as a reminder of the tough days every time you see your own reflection.)
  6. Caps. If you have been clenching or grinding your teeth to baby nubs, invest in caps. It takes longer to grind down a cap (I’ve been trying for years) and you have the added bonus of choosing a new colour. Go whiter as a pick-me-up. Or, black anyone?
  7. Breast Augmentation. While you’re in there, just splurge. You’ve wanted to for years and now is your chance. Maybe all the shit will then bounce off your chest as an added bonus.


  1. I didn’t really think things could get worse, but I’m finding the search for a new place to live on our income to be a major stressor. I thought I cut down on all the crap after our last move 7 years ago, but somehow, it started to multiply again. I would likely subscribe to ALL of the above (well,not 7) just to make me look like I’m not a candidate for a straight jacket. I believe that all of the Broward County Property Tax increases are to make sure all the ‘riff-raff’ goes away, as rental prices down here are laughable – and I’m pretty sure 16 continuous years of GOP rule has made it so. O.K. Whining done. I loved #4! It would be great to start each peel with a different face – or at least get rid of the
    dark bags under my eyes!

  2. The hair transplant sounds like a great idea. Having a comb-over just makes you look like cousin Ned and no one wants that. On the other hand breast augmentation could have some unfortunate side effects; specifically they could result in extra attention from cousin Ned. The irony, of course, is that cousin Ned already has pretty sizable breasts of his own that tend to droop down over his enormous moonshine gut.
    Christopher recently posted…Winter School.My Profile

  3. Oh, don’t get me started! If one more middle-aged woman talks of the elective surgery she wants to have, I’ll scream. Let’s channel the zen this year, accepting it all, eh? There’s a novel idea:).

  4. Thanks so much for the laugh – this was hilarious!

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