A Word (or 28) About Swim-Up Bars

A Word (or 28) About Swim-Up Bars

I have had the good fortune to recently travel to a wonderful sunny spot for my twentieth wedding anniversary. Mister came too.

While there we spent a few cocktail afternoons at the pool. I have been to many resort pools in my day and have gone from loving the swim-up bar in my twenties to having little or no appreciation for them in my (cough) 40s. This particular swim-up bar happened to be directly outside our walk-out room, so for fear of turning an ankle walking to the far pool, we begrudgingly bellied up to the swim-up bar pool. After all, I have not had good luck on holidays.

My first dislike for swim-up bars came after we had children. We had both our kids with us in Jamaica and we went to the swim-up bar side. I noticed a few larger Americans sporting Bubbas at the bar.

Screen Shot 2015-09-15 at 6.35.44 PM

The Bubba… Available at a Walmart near you.

You see, the Bubbas hold a lot of fluid and the chairs around the bar were full of Bubbas and their Bubbas with their enormous bellies.  The Bubbas didn’t move except for their obvious one-handed bicep workout. I went to get a drink after a moment of sunshine and noticed a distinct change in water temperature, odour and an increasing amount of foam around the swim-up bar. I water-ran which looks more like a slow motion action scene of a hog running to the hog trough, and scooped my children out and brought them to the family pool instead. Less urine per water molecule I surmised even with the kids in the pool. We never went to the Bubba pool after that.

Add 10 years and Mister and I find ourselves at a swim-up bar for our anniversary. We knew it was a Piss-Up bar, but this was a new level. With butler service at this particular resort, the Bubba had been upgraded to coolers. Why a cooler was needed AT a piss-up bar I was to find out later.

It seems that our new friend, let’s call him Nevada for short, had a bladder the size of Nevada and was pretty much as dry as the desert too, because he had his day planned from the get-go. Him and his Miller Lite.

I saw him first at 9.23am and then with the magic of time lapse photography (or a woman on vacation with the occasional break from her book, you choose) I captured the following:

At 1.30pm Nevada was delivered a pizza pool side by his butler.

At 1.47pm Nevada made a slow walking tour around the pool with a beer and a prized floatie. I wonder why he did that?

He amped up his cooler usage after his exhausting swim and salty pizza then kept the party going until around 4pm when he went in for a nap.

We had the good fortune to talk to Nevada and his lovely wife later and I asked why he didn’t just get his beer from the bartender. His answer was he ‘liked to build a tower and they didn’t have beer in cans’. Logical. His record for one afternoon was a 28-can pyramid. Impressive. How did his beer-can tower not fall over? He filled them with piss water pool water before he added them to the tower. Downright genius.

So I am guessing Nevada did not read the pool rules or he is just gifted in the bladder department. What do you think? Do you like the swim-up bars? Will you go to them again?

This public service announcement has been brought to you by Kristine, the girl of many showers after a swim in the pool. 

PS: Do not expel bodily waste in the pool… that is the rule folks in case you can’t read it.

PPS: The pool does not turn red, blue or magenta if you pee in it. Your mother is lying to you.


Comments

  1. Thanks for this…particularly as I get set to embark on my first resort vacation. In two days.

    Sigh.
    Erica G recently posted…Scooch Over, Summer, It’s Time for Netflix!My Profile

  2. –Happy anniversary!

    –I’m having a hard time containing my envy over all your traveling and fancy vacays. I’ll try not to hold it against you, but sending a plane ticket my way would help our friendship along exponentially. You are a giving person, after all. 😉

    –The pic of the sign is too small to read. What did you circle?

    –Where is that lovely looking resort? Outside of Canada?

    –How do you know the water doesn’t turn red, Missy? Don’t even try to convince us that it’s because of the foam and temperature change in those particular pools.

    –Would I go to one again?! I’ve never stayed anywhere with a swim-up bar, Fancy Pants Lady. I’m on a Walmart budget these days, but don’t own a Bubba

  3. -Thx!
    -We had a really awful year before this of injury, does that help? I am giving, but I always give to myself first 🙂
    -“Do not expel bodily waste in the pool.” I must have a larger screen. Sorry.
    -Bahamas.
    -I know Margot, because I watched this man for 6 solid hours and he never once left the pool, but he single-handedly consumed 17 beer.
    -My husband travels with his job so we get points for hotels and flights but we are fortunate to be able to enjoy them as a family. We did spend an entire family vacation doing house swaps and flew on points. Made for a cheap trip to Europe. You should check into it. You can go all throughout the states too if you wanted to get somewhere by car. I would highly recommend it!
    Kristine @ Mum Revised recently posted…A Word (or 28) About Swim-Up BarsMy Profile

    • I love how you spent 6 hours observing this man—that’s totally something I would do, and my husband would tease me about it mercilessly, even though he’d have been watching for 8. It’s fun trying to picture you secretly photographing him.

      Of course it doesn’t help that you had a shitty year filled with more trips to the ER than most people take in a lifetime, silly! I truly am happy you got to go somewhere much, much nicer this time. (And yet there were strange men peeing in both places!) I just let the green-eyed monster escape from the bottle for a minute…sorry about that. When our financial situation improves I’ll definitely check out your recommendations.

      I hope Nevada/Bubba man was the only low point of your vacation—at least he provided hours of entertainment, intrigue and inspiration for a great blog post . That man has taken relaxation to a whole new level. 😉

      • Nevada was not even a low point. He was honestly a God send. I haven’t laughed that hard in ages.
        Hey, don’t worry about the monster. I know where you are coming from and don’t think any less of you. You’re good peeps.

  4. Eww. I feel so naive. I’m pretty sure that’s never happened at any of the swim-up bars I’ve visited. HAHAHAHAHA! I’d really like to believe this ya know. I do have to say I’ve never noticed a smell by the bar, maybe I just didn’t click or the place upped the chlorine levels.
    kdcol recently posted…Coins only!My Profile

  5. It wasn’t a piss odour, it was more of a chlorine not making the grade. It was really working hard because the Bubba pool was much smaller than this last one. I’m really sure it is only in the swim-up bars I have been to. You know my track record…
    Kristine @ Mum Revised recently posted…A Word (or 28) About Swim-Up BarsMy Profile

  6. Never been to a swim up bar and now I certainly never will. Ugh!
    Cassandra recently posted…Throwdown Thursday: Let Go of My SexbotMy Profile

  7. Well, I guess in the realm of bodily waste, urine in the water is much better than a number two. My son has taken swim lessons at the YMCA in the past and two different times the lessons were cut short because of a “floater” (NOT from my kid, thank goodness). So that must be a fun job to have… a turd wrangler at the Y. I bet it looks nice on a resume…
    Gina W. recently posted…“You’re Never Lonely With a Tumor!”My Profile

  8. Oh, I’m sure there’s a perfectly rational explanation… Er, it’s just that I prefer not to think about it.

  9. Bladder the size of Nevada is what you’re looking for. It got me through the week.
    Kristine @ Mum Revised recently posted…A Word (or 28) About Swim-Up BarsMy Profile

  10. I’m at work waiting for this nightshift to be done already, and now I’m laughing like an idiot at my computer screen. I have never had the good fortune to go somewhere with a swim-up bar, and I have always said to my husband, “I want to go somewhere where there is a swim-up bar.” Ya. Nope. I LOVE that you got Nevada on camera. This is priceless!
    Sandra recently posted…How to Cheer Up Someone with DepressionMy Profile

  11. It is soooo sad when they actually tell you not to expel body waste. OMG. So gross. I never thought about this before, probably because I never stick to one area long enough to realize that there are a number of all-dayers. Crap. Totally ruined this for me!
    Jay recently posted…EverestMy Profile

    • Sorry to ruin it for you! Just join the party. Belly up to the bar, expel and laugh knowing that you are in the ‘group’ and innocent onlookers have no idea what they are swimming in. Then take a good hot shower and have a nap.

  12. I’ve only ever been to one swim-up bar in my life and there didn’t ‘seem’ to be a noticeable amount of piss in the water. Maybe I was just lucky, or maybe I was too drunk to notice. Or maybe it was my piss.
    PinkNoam recently posted…PinkNoam’s Rebel WeekendMy Profile

    • I had been to piss-up bars before kids and thought them wonderful. I did not notice if others were getting out of the pool to expel their bodily waste. Once I became a mum, landscape changed and I started noticing. Ruined it for me to be honest.

  13. I love to swim and I love to drink, but they’re two things I would never contemplate putting together, probably because I’d never piss in the pool. Maybe in the ocean, but only if there’s no one else around. I realize anything I add to the ocean is going to dissipate really quickly, but just as a matter of courtesy I don’t want to put anyone else in close proximity to any waste I might produce.

    Nevada’s bladder power simply blows my mind. It also makes me wonder if he wasn’t using a catheter attached to a bag inside his suit.
    Christopher recently posted…The Day After.My Profile

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