Alcohol Pairings While You Watch the Mueller Report

Alcohol Pairings While You Watch the Mueller Report

During the presentation of the Mueller Report, I want you to be prepared for all outcomes. Spend some time getting supplies for what could be the most thrilling reality TV show ever aired. Yes, even more thrilling than Celebrity Apprentice. Choose your pairing or be prepared for all scenarios. I might offer this as a drinking game, but would not want to be held accountable for the stomach pumps to follow. So, let’s just resort to highfalutin pairings and call it classy.

1. Use of the Word ‘Russian’

Generally, you start your night with a nice glass of white. This is no exception. White Russian that is.

Mix together 2 parts Coffee liqueur, 5 parts Vodka, 3 parts Fresh cream, one part glee.

The coffee will ensure you don’t miss a moment of what is to come. Float fresh cream on top and make sure that stuff sinks to the bottom by stirring slowly. Serve with your favourite takeaway. Might we suggest hamberders? 

2. Use of the Word ‘Collusion’

If the mood is getting darker, so should your Russian. Switch to Black Russians after your meal.

Combine two parts Russian vodka and one part collusion Kahlua. If the word collusion is uttered, you will need to finish that Black Russian, and quick. Russians? What Russians?

3. Use of the Word ‘Interference’

Once the conversation turns to operatives, interference in the election, oligarchs and Don Jr, my suggestion is a Moscow Mule.

3 parts vodka, 1 part lime, top with ginger beer. Most people serve this delight over ice, I prefer the serving to be done after a visit to the Grand Jury. But, personal preference is always recommended.

4. Use of the Word ‘Trump’

Enjoy this satisfying Fruit Punch with a sweet taste of victory. The bitter aftertaste is easily washed down by the Impeaches and Cream to finish. As Trump is not a drinker, it is only fair to collude include him in his own game. So enjoy a punch every time the word Trump is uttered. Punch safely.

Mix 1 part orange juice, 1 part lemonade, 7 parts pineapple juice, 1.5 parts water, 1.5 parts sugar, and a bottle of lemon-lime soda, twelve Buffalo chicken wings and a bag of Cheetos for colour (freeze them first for extra crunch). This will need a good size slop bucket to take all the liquid. Or, if you want to really live the life, get a trough and drink up like the Prez. A toilet bowl would work too to flush the shit away once it is done. You choose.

5. Use of the Word ‘Impeach’

Impeachment does feel like the cream on Mueller’s cake so I couldn’t think of anything more apropos than the Impeaches and Cream. 3 Parts impeachment (a noble substitute for peach schnapps), 1 part cream. Sip slowly and enjoy!

And as my gift to you, feel free to enjoy any of these cocktails if a cocktail waitress* is mentioned. That just seems fair.

(*code for porn star)


Cover image: Alex Wong—Getty Images (with my little addition from ErorsHowsRopy)


  1. brilliant

  2. I almost went right by this as I had forgotten you were changing the name. So glad I stopped! Worth it!!! I can’t even imagine what the ensuing belch will taste like!

    • I thought alcohol was a fitting start to my adulting 🙂 So glad I didn’t lose you!!! (I’m sure I’ll lose others but will be sad to see them go). Maybe I’ll get more people coming by because I’m more grown-up and all… novel idea.

  3. Dying! This is fantastic. Cheers to all of this!

  4. This post is loaded with hilarity, and anyone who follows your directions is bound to be loaded too. You really had me at the Buffalo chicken wings. Fun fact: there really is a Buffalo chicken wing soda made by a company called Lester’s Fixins. I assume that can be used to substitute real chicken wings in the punch because they don’t mix that well.
    For extra flavour you can add some of the ranch dressing soda from the same company. And it shouldn’t surprise anyone that such a thing exists. In a world where Trump is president nothing is too ridiculous.
    Christopher recently posted…Out Of Money.My Profile

    • Chicken wing with ranch soda is a lovely combination and swirled together sounds like a meal. Not at all. I’m trying to be positive, but this one is past my abilities. But really, WTF is this world coming to that we can’t just have sugar flavoured soda like civilized folk?

  5. Absolutely fantastic.

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