Bad Betty Here, Writing From Prison

This is how I left the house this morning, ready to hang out with my bestie for the day in our annual OITNB (Orange is the New Black for the uninformed) Season Kick-Off binge. Yes, I bought an orange prison suit. Yes, I bring my own toilet paper. Yes, we eat bologna sandwiches (It’s only once a year folks). We do have great coffee, I know I can leave whenever I want, and we don’t make our own shanks so it is slightly different than real jail.

Before enjoying the new season of OITNB out on Netflix today, I feel compelled to tell you my prison plan. So, here are the ten things that I should resist about prison (no spoilers are contained in this post because I love you).

1. Resist going to prison.
2. If #1 doesn’t work out, resist getting in shape for the tough times. Instead, get ugly fast. I mean eat everything that will give me the poops, zits, and back rolls in huge quantities.
3. Resist the temptation to get a tattoo. Especially this beaut I have been thinking about.
4. Resist joining a gang. I am a joiner, but I may choose the wrong gang and then I am also indecisive so I may have to switch gangs. I think that is frowned upon in prison. Maybe I should join a gang after all. Make my decision and stick to it even if my peeps turn out to be all the rat eaters.
5. Speaking of… Resist getting a pet rat or roach. I don’t want to have to care for something while I am there. Truthfully, it would be time away from having to care for anyone. Taking on a pet seems silly. Maybe I ended up in jail because I stopped taking care of the dog and he dehydrated and then I feel guilty and want to take on my prison pet named Roachy to prove I can be a good pet mummy after all. But I will resist for fear that I will forget again. Poor Roachy! Oh, the humanity! At least I didn’t choose the rat. My new peeps would have fricasseed that baby in front of me and I couldn’t bear it.
6. Resist the temptation to call myself Bad Betty. Even though it would be cool, I don’t think I could carry it off.
7. Also, resist the temptation to always sit beside someone new. It may work out well in mummy groups, but I suspect it won’t so much be a ‘wanna start a bookclub with me’ kind-of crowd and I should stick with the rat eaters.
8. Resist making a scene on visiting day about the inhumane treatment of us animals (ironic, yes) and, instead, play nice. ‘How are YOU?’ Would be a good way to start a conversation with a visitor. ‘That colour really brings out your eyes. You should wear it more often.’ Not, ‘Why didn’t you bring brownies? All I asked for was f’n brownies!’
9. Resist comparing everyone to Red, Alex, V or Piper from OITNB. They have been in prison for crying out loud. They don’t get Netflix in prison. And even if they send me to the Martha Stewart prison for scrap bookers and tv critics, I think my bunk mates might not take to watching OITNB because they are living it and being compared to the characters just seems condescending. Just a feeling I have, but my little voice has been proven wrong before so I am likely to do it anyway.
10. Resist buying a Rita Hayworth poster and scooping out the wall with a rock hammer. Did you see what Andy Dufrense had to crawl through to get to safety? Orange would be the new black and I can’t ruin the name of the show by making it ironic with my escape plan.

Resist is the name of the game. I’ll start by feeding the dog and filling his bowl of, now empty, water. If only I had taught him to get water from the toilet like a good dog, I wouldn’t have to make a plan.

I am part of the #Netflix #StreamTeam but I wrote this post before then and revise it now because I had only one follower at the time and it wasn’t my mother or Mister. You know who you are.