Corinne’s Bachelor Nanny: A Job Description

Guilty. I watch The Bachelor. I even watch the less-than-wonderful Bachelorette. I’d like to say I could cut cold turkey, but that would be a lie. I’d like to think I watch it to get all judgy and knock it out of my system for the year. Also a lie. I’d also like to say it is because I like romance. Part true but not why I watch. I watch because it reminds me that there are idiots everywhere so my friends and family are really the bomb.

For those of you not familiar with the show, Corinne, 24, was cast to be the spoiled brat girl we love to hate. She makes overt sexual passes on the one guy 20+ women are all trying to share while other girls are watching. She spends her money on seemingly frivolous items (like renting a bouncy castle). She’s beautiful and running her daddy’s company while living at home. She back stabs girls with a big smile. She is entitled and clearly self-absorbed. In short, she has everything, including the Bachelor’s lusty eye, and a nanny. I said that right. Only one eye and one whole nanny.

 

Some grown women might not use the term nanny, preferring instead to call her an assistant. An assistant rarely makes beds and cuts cucumber slices for their employer while doing her laundry. An assistant might fetch sushi on a whim but would be less than amused by the whiny vocal fry way of asking that is Corinne. She definitely has a nanny.

Since Corinne has been on the show; however, the current nanny, Raquel, has had very little to do. So, as a reminder for when Nick finally ditches Corinne because the producers tell him she is no longer needed for the ratings (maybe tonight, although she will be missed), she will need to remember her job description. Or, maybe she is in search of a replacement now that she has tasted the sweet, sweet taste of freedom. Because I am nothing if not helpful, I am posting poor Raquel’s job here in anticipation that she will, in fact, make an escape.

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If you answer to the name Raquel from Guatemala even though your name is Rachel and you are from Queens, you can apply.

If you think you are a capable, charming, nice, smart adult, and believe lowering yourself for money is needed, then I’m sorry, but you should apply.

If you can slice cucumbers better than a mandolin and know exactly how much garlic salt to put in a lemon salad, apply.
But, then tell me why you are using garlic salt in a lemon salad.

If you are adept at photoshop to remove traces of your boss’s boobs all over the internet so her business contacts have to see them in person, this might be the job for you.

If you walk into a room with the deftness of a cat and prefer not to speak unless spoken to, by all means, submit an application in person. Remember to ring the doorbell before you hide.

If your self-respect is so in the toilet that you ‘love’ cleaning toilets, this may be your dream job.

If your laundry skills include removing whip cream from a gown, you have come to the right place.

Also, if you prefer to bend down and pick laundry off the floor and leave the hamper for decoration, you will not be disappointed.

If you can make a bed quickly to disguise your boss’s napping during a meeting while her daddy was out playing a round of golf, you can apply.

If you are willing to carry a grown woman around saying, ‘There, there, baby, Nanny is here,’ then you should definitely apply and maybe ease off the steroids.

If you are willing to do absolutely anything for your ‘child,’ maybe you should be a mother or find a child to nanny. If that isn’t in the cards, this job is an option.

If you think adult conversation includes kissing, please apply. No one else believes this.

If you are worried about being a nanny to a grown woman implies a maturity you are uncomfortable with, it doesn’t. Go for it.

If you are willing to take a stake to the heart if the steak isn’t perfect, you are perfect for the job.

If you think privacy is overrated, apply.

If being one of the family is an important factor in your employment, remember, not all royalty is regal, so you don’t need to worry.

If you think you will be using your brain as you nanny a 24-year-old, you are mistaken. Just put an X on the dotted line and report to work next Sunday to get your loaf of bread.

If you love the Bachelor but are in the closet. Share a virtual glass with me on Mondays and let that judgy flag fly. #teamcorn

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If you are interested in being a grown-ass-woman Nanny, I beg you to think again. I don’t think you would like it. Sure, the pay might be good, but who wants to deal with THOSE diapers?

GIFs in this blog post were all found on Giphy. Featured image with caption from E! Online