Emergency Room Wisdom Part IV. The Kristine wing opens this spring.
After they dedicate a wing in the emergency department to me then have social services cart my family away, I will publish the following guidelines to emergency room enjoyment.
Read Emergency Room wisdom I, part II and part III. This will give you the basics. This is not my first rodeo in part IV. I have learned many things since my first emergency room disaster in May. You heard me, this is part IV and I started in May. You do the math. We have had better years.
While waiting for (choke) another 9.5 hours in emerg with Mister, I culled an amazing amount if information to help y’all circumnavigate the exciting world of emergency health care.
- Bring amusement, you will need it.
- Say you are in a lot of pain even if you aren’t. You will get drugs (this is for the person waiting with you not the patient).
- Coffee usually smells awesome, but it smells like ammonia in a hospital. Ammonia is less awesome than coffee.
- Practice your puppy dog eyes. They come in handy when trying to attract anyone to acknowledge that you have been there for two hours without human contact.
- Set an alarm for your parking ticket. Last thing you need after you pay $24 for 2.5 hours of parking is a parking ticket for an additional $30.
- Bring water. I swear that they are trying to dehydrate everyone! Maybe they are attempting to get rid of an overstock of saline. If so, they should IV everyone when you take a number, including the visitors.
- An ambulance throws a wrench in your plans. If possible, get a creative friend to play dumb and block the entrance until you are at least seen by a doctor. They should bring props.
- Doctors who are looking for a patient, apparently can’t be persuaded to just see your patient and use the chart in their hand. Have they never played doctor before?
- You will develop symptoms you didn’t previously have.
- The words ‘I just have to stick a finger in your butt’ instills fear in everyone within earshot.
- You can’t tell how old someone is by the sound of their groan. There is always a groaner.
- The right answer when asked what year it is is ‘blue’. You get way more attention that way.
- The emergency room curtains do not dull the sound from the other beds. (See #11)
- All hospital wheels are designed to be quiet with the exception of the linen cart. That one goes past the room the most and the woman pushing it is obviously not happy with her lot in life. She wants to make as much noise as possible while still maintaining the illusion that she is hospital quiet so that you can feel her pain (see what I did there?).
- When the patient begins to snore after a 7-hour marathon and you have to stay awake to be their advocate, make sure there are no plugs to pull, ‘cuz they will get pulled.
- There is always a Walter. Walter is the ER frequent flyer that all the nurses call by name and he screams for the nurse every 30 seconds and begins swearing at midnight.
- Buy flowers and jewelry for the person that drove you there and sat with you for more than 8 hours.
Stop the madness family! I have had enough ER enlightenment for the year!
BTW, I am super grateful for the care Mister got. He gave me a scare, but he will be fine.