To Make You Feel Good About Your Parenting Part II aka DodgeBall, the study.
My confession, Your Honour, is that we watch DodgeBall with our children (10, 13).
We started watching Dodgeball before our brood understood the nuances of what was being said because Mister and I wanted to watch it over and over. Now that our heirs know more, we find ourselves in the middle of many conversations. This will truthfully make YOU feel better as a parent as you mourn the innocence of our offspring. Don’t try this at home!
Here are some of the conversation starters we have lived through. Strap yourself in (that will be funnier at #11), because here are the actual movie quotes:
- It’s like watching a bunch of retards trying to hump a doorknob out there!
- You had me at blood and semen.
- Alright Kate, time to put your mouth where our balls are.
- Necessary? Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine? No! But I do it anyway, ’cause it’s sterile and I like the taste.
- They must masturbate a lot.
- Remember, dodgeball is a sport of violence, exclusion and degradation. So, when you’re picking players in gym class, remember to pick the bigger, stronger players for your team. That way you can gang up on the weaker ones.
- If you want dodgeball victory you gotta grab it by its haunches and h..h..hump it into submission, that’s the only way. (the actor was humping the air on this for effect).
- Son, you’re about as useful as a poopie-flavoured lollipop! (I think our version actually says cock flavoured.)
- Cram it up your cram hole!
- I didn’t think Nazi camp got out until eight. Did you decide to skip arts and crafts?
- There’s no reason we need to be shackled by the strictures of the employee-employer relationship. Unless you’re into that sort of thing. In which case, I got some shackles in the back. I’m just kidding. But seriously, I’ve got ’em.
- Ok guys, you heard Billie Jean King. No crying in the breast milk.
- We gonna get our teents handed to us, that’s what!
: Usually you pay double for that kind of action Cotton.
: Looks like it’s gonna be a two on one – a menage a trois of pain.
- I get it, you caught the scent of a lesser stag in your nostrils.
- Here at Globo Gym, we understand that “Ugliness” and “Fatness” are genetic disorders, much like baldness or necrophilia, and it’s only your fault if you don’t hate yourself enough to do something about it.
To sum up:
- Our pre-pubescents have witnessed insults directed at the mentally challenged, women, men, the weak, poop, Jews and Germans, dominatrixes, lesbians, overweight people and prostitutes.
- We have exposed our cherubs to the words semen, masterbate, hump, cram hole, shackles, menage a trios, necrophilia and teents.
- We have introduced the concepts of degrading and bullying in a big way to the innocent ears and eyes of our progeny.
- We all laughed until we peed every time.
That is good family fun right there. Gavel down, GUILTY as charged!
That Disney movie that revealed the Easter Bunny secret is not looking as bad now is it?
You. Are. Welcome.