Friday F-Off: Flying With Kids
Today I am angry with Air India.They recently made their first-class cabin an infant-free zone. So, you could be hob-nobbing with the stars (I mean the stars’ kids and nannies) if you plan to fly the not-so-friendly skies with Air India. It seems, and I am surmising here because I only see first class as I walk by, that rich people can’t handle the noise an infant makes over the clinking of their glasses. Apparently the more money you have, the less tolerant you are and more prone to segregation you become. Sound familiar?
If I were rich, which I plan to be someday because I use ‘The Secret,’ aka ‘The Lottery,’ I would choose different segregation strategies.
- BO-Free-Zone. All passengers would be forced to undergo a rigorous bathing ritual before sitting in my class.
- Trump-Voter-Free-Zone. No xenophobes, narcissists, racists, or pussy grabbers allowed. Also known as the Asshole-free-zone.
- Curry-Free-Zone. I love me some curry, but if you had it for breakfast no amount of tic tacs can solve the leaching of what is deliciousness going in, smells like as your body processes it. Stick to toast.
- Habitual-Noise-Maker-Free-Zone. Click than pen honey one more time and I am going to strangle you. Was that too harsh? I would much rather the sound of a baby being soothed by his momma than hear that gum smacking. Actually, not just noises, any annoying habits are banned. I have sat beside teeth flossers (go to the tiny bathroom), nose pickers (go to the tiny bathroom), and even a kid who peed in a water bottle at his seat and then his mum went to dump it in, you guessed it, the tiny bathroom. They should all just go to the back of the bus.
- Thinking-That-A-Coach-Seat-Is-A-Bed-Free-Zone. Go ahead and sleep in it. That is cool. But pushing it back the entire way as soon as that fucking light turns off is just so not happening. Mister has a great strategy and it works. You push your knees as far forward as you can as soon as you see the guy in front of you attempt to reach for the button. Then, when he tries to recline he gets push back and thinks his seat is broken. They sometimes give you the stink eye, but that is part of the fun.
- People-Who-Think-Babies-Are-a-Nuisance-Free-Zone. I think the only people allowed in first class should be stressed mothers with their babies. They can’t sleep in coach. They can’t sleep anywhere. But at least there is unlimited wine, hot cookies, and a warm towel to bury their face into to cry. They deserve at least that.
I have often said that Air Canada’s motto should be “We’re not happy until you’re unhappy.” But, I am wrong. Every time I flew with babies on Air Canada, the staff were more than gracious and I didn’t feel like I was being a pain. Excepting that time, of course, that Shaggy puked all over the back of the seats, on the seat, in the seat pocket, on the floor, and the window well. Someone had to clean that up and I figure I am owed a bit of unhappy, because, karma. But, to exclude infants when their parents have worked hard to afford it, that is just plain rude. I wish them all poopy diapers and colic. Because, karma.