Flying the scary skies

We had recent ‘good fortune’ to survive a flight fly with a local airline on holiday. This was an experience I won’t soon forget because it comes back to me in my dreams every night.

It seemed like a good idea at the time to fly for 45 minutes instead of the 4 hour drive through non-scenic countryside (can you say moo?).

That was until… did you hear that ominous music? That was until… we saw the plane.

The plane was more of a test tube than a plane. I have had bigger bowl movements than this plane. This plane was clearly designed by the same guy who puts together model airplanes in his parent’s basement. This was a scary-ass plane.

I knew we were in trouble when:

1. The co-pilot was also the flight attendant.
2. They had to close the windows before taking off (one of which didn’t quite close).
3. The seatbelt included a shoulder strap. Not the kind in a car that allows movement, but the kind that might be used to transport a mass murderer from one maximum security penitentiary to the next. They spared us the leather masks Clarice.
4. I had to load and unload my own bags into the belly of the plane.
5. You had to bend at the waist and use your arms to propel you forward to get to your seat.
6. The safety demonstration consisted of a mention, in Spanish, about the card in our seat pocket. The handy card was behind the air sick bag and it let you know what to do in case of emergency. Our knees were pushed up so tight against the pocket (you can see this in the picture below) or I would have perused the information to get my mind off the impending doom. Wait, that would have meant releasing my death grip on the seat in front of me. Not worth the risk. I knew what the card said though:

In case of an accident you will die a horrible and painful death as we plummet toward the hard brown earth without air conditioning, cell phones or the ability to move to the only emergency exit – the window that is slightly ajar. If you make it to the window the ground will kill you rather than the engulfed model airplane you paid to sit in. You choose.

Is that what the Spanish card said? Or did it say:

In case of the single prop taking a break, there is no hope of survivors but you will be given 30 seconds to make amends with your Maker. Use it wisely.

Our daughter was directly behind the pilot (in the hat) and she commented ‘Like Dude, put your hands on the wheel and pay attention!’. She didn’t say it loud enough. This is when I began to pray. I realized at that moment that this was not, in fact, a plane, but an after-life transporter. We were all flying the friendly skies right to the end of the universe. Then we started to descend before our destination.

Our non-stop flight was making an unscheduled drop stop. Seems that the “pilots” brought a friend on board because she was not one of the 11 passengers on the original manifest. She was seated across from me and didn’t bother with the seatbelt. This woman’s confidence was admirable.

She must have needed to go somewhere other than the scheduled destination so she just got on board like it was a car and hitched a ride. Had I known she was a stowaway, I would have taken her picture so that when they found our lifeless bodies they would have seen the picture of the terrorist. She was easily identified as the only person on the deathtrap who didn’t wear her constraints.

We let the hitchhiker out and then had to fly again (after the windows were closed). We dodged a cow on the runway, said our prayers and were treated to a resounding Spanish story by the pilot to the co-pilot. We couldn’t hear it over the sound of the single prop but we could see their animated conversation as they looked into each other’s eyes and laughed. I did not laugh. Not because I understand no Spanish, but because ‘Like Dude, watch where the fuck we are going! Do you even SEE that fucking volcano?’

I am honoured to be writing this. I could not write it on the plane or even right after the flight because I was still praying to God that it was over and I am sure I still felt the world sway underneath me for 24 hours.

Moral of the story: For the love of all things with cabin pressure, check how many seats are on a plane before you book your tickets for your next vacation and ensure the plane has a backup prop or engine. Let that be a lesson.