Friday F-Off: Automation Nation
I am all for progress. Hell, I have an iPhone 6. I have accepted many automated features that get entwined with my life. Some of them I love. Some of them I am not so impressed with.
For example, I love the automated parking app. Wait. No I don’t. First of all, it was my idea more than 11 years ago. That’s right, before ‘apps’ was even a word, I had researched a parking system that would automatically deduct the time required when you parked in a spot. There were no patents pending and nothing quite like it anywhere else I could find. All a car owner needed was a transponder and it would talk to the parking meter and deduct the exact parking amount and warn you when it needed reloading. Fucking brilliant! But I had a toddler and a fetus… Now, 11 years later the Toronto Parking Authority announces with authority their ‘NEW’ service where you can pay with an app. Shit heads. First they give me a ticket, then they steal my soul.
A better example is the automated Purell dispensers. OK. I kind of like these, but they rarely seem to work. Also, as soon as you think the dispenser is empty and pull your hands away–Bammo! Purell dispensed. They puddle and pool under the machine and the floor is clean enough to eat off of but my hands are still germy.
Automated check-in for flights. This was a fabulous idea until everyone caught on. Early adopters won out here. Now it is faster to go with the surly girl at the counter. ‘Welcome to Air Canada. We aren’t happy until you’re unhappy, I mean happy. Can you please wait while I go on break?’ She was polite, because Canadian of course.
But the douchiest of all automation is the auto toilets. I loved the kick lever. What the fuck was wrong with the kick lever? It worked. It required no hands. It flushed only when you were good and ready. Perfect system. Until… some man got involved. I say it was a man because it is my uncertified opinion that men don’t use the stall and wouldn’t dare flush anyway because they don’t flush at home and ‘isn’t that someone’s job? I don’t want to take away someone’s job.’ So a gay man got involved and said to some automation asshole ‘Can we just get the men’s toilets to flush without us even thinking about it?’. Come on, he had to be gay right? No straight man would walk into a boardroom and admit that he is repulsed by the giant fecal display in the
art exhibit stall. Don’t straight men brag about the size of their turds? Maybe there are too many gross generalizations in this paragraph or maybe it is just gross.
Anyway, I am furious with the automated toilet. They claim they are using less water. Poppycock! (I just said that.) The automated porcelain ass holder I used today flushed once when I was done and once when I was done putting my purse on my shoulder. 10 gallons instead of 5. Save not! They say they are more hygienic. Poppycock! After I do the ‘I’m done dance’ in front of the sensor without luck I am forced to press the button. Not with my foot as in the previously unbroken system of the kick lever, but with an actual digit because the button is small. It is small enough to contain the fecal matter of all the previous coffee drinkers because I am sure that button stays uncleaned forever.
But, just when you thought the auto toilet was the douchiest thing in the public bathroom (not including the public, cuz that goes without saying), I run into this! I will give you a moment to read and digest while I wait.
On the surface this seems like a perfectly reasonable thing to advance in bathroom technology. But wait! (Come on, I waited for you…) I have been training myself for years to rub my hands under the dryer. That shit is ingrained! So now every time I am checking to see if something is in my teeth and absentmindedly rub my hands under the dryer the fucking water turns on and I am at square one! No shit. I have to OCD and go back to the soap stage. I know, I know, I am an idiot. Or am I? Yeah, pretty much sure it’s a YES on the idiot scale but it seems perfectly logical at the time as I washed my hands today for the third time. That’s right ladies and gentlemen, I got distracted only two times and had to start over.
Toilet people, please stop automating things that worked perfectly well before. I beg of you.
What automated gizmos get your goat? Don’t even get me started on automated goat herders…