Friday F-Off: Better Than Sex
I ventured into Sephora for my first time with my Aunt (if you are unfamiliar, it is a mega-store for makeup). As the green eye-shadowed girl suggested ‘It won’t be your last time here’, I guffawed. Makeup is not my thing. I wear it occasionally, I know how to apply it, but I don’t covet it. I go to one place and buy from one girl because she did my makeup once and I looked nice. End of story.
Green eyeshadow did sell me on one thing. Better Than Sex mascara. I was happy with my current brand but I couldn’t resist the name. Damn marketers!
Here’s the thing though. It is not better than sex as seen on websites similar to Tube v interracial, nor could any mascara be. Here are the only two things better than sex in my humble opinion:
- Having the house to yourself for an entire weekend with nothing but pizza, dark chocolate, cheezies and Netflix binge-watching to amuse you. Note that none of these individually are better than sex.
Mascara played no part in these scenarios.
Here is why this mascara should not be called Better Than Sex.
- Sex is fun. Mascara is just mascara. Do I need more? You know I’m a pleaser so I can’t start a list and only give you one item.
- Mascara is gloppy. Good sex should not be gloppy. Slidey, sticky and slippery maybe, but not gloppy. And if the sex is gloppy, check if the glop is black. If so, consult your physician immediately (immediately after you get your pants back on that is).
- It costs money and you can buy it in a store. Sex that costs money should not be bought in a store. If you buy it in a store, it will be sub-standard sex. Sex that costs less than $20 whether bought in a store or on a street is sub-standard.
- It fits in your pocket. Just sayin’.
- Sex with marketing is just setting your expectations too high.
- It didn’t come with dinner and a glass of wine (or two).
Other items that claim they are better than sex include:
- Desserts–I will admit that chocolate cake, caramel, toffee, and whipped cream is pretty awesome, but if it is better than your sex, pack your bag.
- Kanye West’s Late Registration album was described as better than sex by, you guessed it, Kanye West. Sorry Kim, you are just not living up.
- Sergio Busquets from the Barcelona football club feels that football is better than sex because the happiness can last 3-4 days versus the one minute high he gets from sex. Oh dear Sergio, you are doing something wrong.
- Tea. Can we just agree that the answer to this is always NO without justification?
- A drink with hazelnut, Haagen Dazs, orange and coffee cream liqueurs with added cream is NOT better than sex. With all that cream, enjoy your after-dinner cramping instead of the sex you could have enjoyed if you had just had a glass of wine.
By the way, this mascara is not even better than most mascaras because at the end of the day, I looked like this:
I rest my case.