Friday F-Off: Better Than Sex

Friday F-Off: Better Than Sex

I ventured into Sephora for my first time with my Aunt (if you are unfamiliar, it is a mega-store for makeup). As the green eye-shadowed girl suggested ‘It won’t be your last time here’, I guffawed. Makeup is not my thing. I wear it occasionally, I know how to apply it, but I don’t covet it. I go to one place and buy from one girl because she did my makeup once and I looked nice. End of story.

Green eyeshadow did sell me on one thing. Better Than Sex mascara. I was happy with my current brand but I couldn’t resist the name. Damn marketers!

Here’s the thing though. It is not better than sex as seen on websites similar to Tube v interracial, nor could any mascara be. Here are the only two things better than sex in my humble opinion:

  1. Having the house to yourself for an entire weekend with nothing but pizza, dark chocolate, cheezies and Netflix binge-watching to amuse you. Note that none of these individually are better than sex.
  2. Sleep.

Mascara played no part in these scenarios.

Here is why this mascara should not be called Better Than Sex.

  1. Sex is fun. Mascara is just mascara. Do I need more? You know I’m a pleaser so I can’t start a list and only give you one item.
  2. Mascara is gloppy. Good sex should not be gloppy. Slidey, sticky and slippery maybe, but not gloppy. And if the sex is gloppy, check if the glop is black. If so, consult your physician immediately (immediately after you get your pants back on that is).
  3. It costs money and you can buy it in a store. Sex that costs money should not be bought in a store. If you buy it in a store, it will be sub-standard sex. Sex that costs less than $20 whether bought in a store or on a street is sub-standard.
  4. It fits in your pocket. Just sayin’.
  5. Sex with marketing is just setting your expectations too high.
  6. It didn’t come with dinner and a glass of wine (or two).

Other items that claim they are better than sex include:

  1. Desserts–I will admit that chocolate cake, caramel, toffee, and whipped cream is pretty awesome, but if it is better than your sex, pack your bag.
  2. Kanye West’s Late Registration album was described as better than sex by, you guessed it, Kanye West. Sorry Kim, you are just not living up.
  3. Sergio Busquets from the Barcelona football club feels that football is better than sex because the happiness can last 3-4 days versus the one minute high he gets from sex. Oh dear Sergio, you are doing something wrong.
  4. Tea. Can we just agree that the answer to this is always NO without justification?
  5. A drink with hazelnut, Haagen Dazs, orange and coffee cream liqueurs with added cream is NOT better than sex. With all that cream, enjoy your after-dinner cramping instead of the sex you could have enjoyed if you had just had a glass of wine.

By the way, this mascara is not even better than most mascaras because at the end of the day, I looked like this:

end of day mascara

I rest my case.


Comments

  1. I never use that phrase better than sex because many, many years ago my husband and I were eating the best piece of coconut cake I had ever had in my life and I made the mistake of saying, “This is better than sex”. And it hurt my husband’s feelings. Part of the problem may be that he is Russian and apparently they don’t use this specific phrase to describe the awesomeness of things. Flash forward to just a few weeks ago. We were at an event that served lamb chops. I don’t eat meat, but my husband does. Every time a server passed those lamb chops around, he would grab one and then get an orgasmic look on his face as he ate. He would close his eyes and juices would drip out of the corner of his mouth. Which is probably why I finally said to him, “Is it better than sex?” and he said yes. I didn’t feel at all offended. I just think it’s funny that he FINALLY found something that was better than sex with me. I feel pretty confident that it will never happen again. 😉
    Gina recently posted…Holy Shit! It’s My One Year Blog AnniversaryMy Profile

    • I don’t eat meat either (separated at birth much?). I can’t recall ever using the phrase better than sex. I have heard it lots, which is so unfortunate because I shouldn’t be hearing that from total strangers in public–because imagery.

  2. Totally agree with you.
    Cassandra recently posted…Faking Fiscal ResponsibilityMy Profile

  3. Clearly that product name was devised by a marketer who tore themselves away from their multiple house cats and peeled themselves out of their house PJ’s just long enough to phone it in for the day before they went right back to watching all nine seasons of “Supernatural” not because they liked it liked it but …just because. Did I just describe myself? Perhaps. Was there any sex involved? Umm – I have been with my husband for 21 years so yeah – do the math. (meow meow meow) – ooops gotta go….
    eva recently posted…The New York Tattoo Law That’s Pissing Off ArtistsMy Profile

  4. Have you tried the Younique brand mascara? Now THAT mascara is the shit. And I don’t mean that literally (b/c the Younique mascara is made with tea leaves and other environment friendly ingredients, not bat shit like some brands).
    kdcol recently posted…TP for my bungholeMy Profile

  5. Remember the old days when old maids (or mothers) would advise young women not to wear too much makeup, or any at all, saying, “Don’t go tarting yourself up”? Of course you don’t because you’re far too young, but you’ve probably heard the expression.

    That got me thinking whether eating a tart could ever be better than sex. Of course depending on the definition of “tart” it would be at least foreplay.
    Christopher recently posted…Poke In The Eye.My Profile

  6. But did you look that way at the end of the day because you had wild sex that smeared your mascara, you green-eyed harlot?

    Some sex actually can be just meh, you know. It *is* possible, though clearly not for you, Miss Maniac (or should that be nymphomaniac?). Some of the sex I had while I was still kissing frogs before finding my prince would have definitely lost if competing against chocolate cake, caramel, toffee and whipped cream. Just sayin’!

    P.S. Remember: name calling = love.

  7. I have that same mascara and it is only medium-good mascara (although I have never come across a mascara that i loved, so I’m a tough customer). I also think that if someone is finding it even remotely equivalent to sex, they may be putting it in the wrong place.

    • Ha!
      I really like the Bobbi Brown extreme party mascara but thought I would try something new. New isn’t always good. Now that Kdcol told me there is bat shit in mascara I might just investigate before I buy anything!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge

%d bloggers like this: