Friday F-Off: Why the World is Screwed (this could be about box opening, but that is not as catchy)

Friday F-Off: Why the World is Screwed (this could be about box opening, but that is not as catchy)

Here is another bot-draft. (Internet robots put over 100 of my previously published articles in my drafts folder. This post originally ran on May 10, 2014. I will venture to guess that the 3 people that read this at the time have sufficiently forgotten it so it can run again. Don’t worry robots, your time will come…)


Some Fridays I will take time to tell you about something pissing me off.
Therapy for me. Mild amusement at my expense for you. Win-Win.

As if leaving the cupboard doors open was not enough, we are now onto our opening of boxes problem.

Exhibit A: How to properly open a box. Notice the neat lines and resealable box top? It will be a pleasure to open this in the morning to retrieve the perfect amount of cereal because there will be pour control. Sweet serenity!

proper box opening mumrevised


Exhibit B: How to improperly open a box. Notice the jagged edges primed for paper cuts? Notice the ‘teeth’ action of the bag itself? You can probably see the bite marks as you pass your hands through the spittle to the delicately absorbing crackers lying beneath.

box destroy mumrevised


Why is it that not everyone in my household agrees that Exhibit A is preferable to the point that they make an effort to ensure it happens? Why is everyone is such an fucking rush that they can’t take (and I timed this) 18 seconds – I repeat – 18 seconds to open the box without bodily fluid transfer? I dare to suggest that the jagged box opening took just as much time. There are 7 rips, one section completely gone and those teeth marks…

What the fuck is wrong with the world?! That 18 seconds to open the box correctly saves the time it takes to pick up the f’n Cheerios that leak through the side of the saliva-ridden box opening EVERY morning. Yes, I know this was a Ritz box, but this is not the first time this has happened. It saves everyone the aggregation of my lectures on box opening, demonstrations on box opening and laying down the law that no one in this family is allowed to open a box unless it is me or the dog, because even without opposable thumbs, he could do a better job.

Now that I write that, maybe the dog did open the box… he does benefit from the Cheerio spill over and for some reason no one would fess up to opening the box in question. A dental scan might prove the culprit.

Instead of a Ritz cracker, I will get myself a cookie. I opened that box.


  1. Every box in my home has been super glued completely shut by the manufacturer. (There are no minimal holes in which to insert a finger). My intentions are honorable until I get my first scrapped cuticle, cardboard paper cut or bent nail, and then out come the scissors and teeth. I’m so ashamed. And how do you open the mylar plastic bag so neatly? I have to cut them open or I’d be in a padded room still wrestling with them trying to pry the edges apart?!?!

  2. I’m with BarbaraM–although in my case it’s not every box. It’s just about half of them. Exactly half the box makers in this world know how to make a box that can be opened just by sliding a finger under one lip and applying gentle pressure. No coconut oil is needed. The same is true of about half the bags. Some have a helpful “Open Here” that I swear is just there to mock you.
    I show them. I rip the bag open and then dump the contents into a plastic container with an airtight lid and everything’s good until the weevils appear inside the container and I feel compelled to incinerate the contents.
    Christopher recently posted…Dog Walk.My Profile

  3. I HATE when they don’t open boxes properly! As you point out, since they also make a mess of the inner bag, its contents sometimes go stale. Or, when you pour the cereal, the stale crap that’s now on the bottom of the box comes out with the fresher stuff from the bag.

    I’ve finally taught my kids to use the letter opener if there’s too much glue on the box opening, and scissors to open extra resistant bags. And, for God’s sake, if you insist on pulling the bag open, don’t use all your might, because it makes the bottom of the box too wide, thereby making the top impossible to close. It’s not rocket science! And then use the fucking clothes pins I bought to clip the bag securely closed. Even though they don’t say “chip clip” on them they can be used the same way, for a tenth of the price. Money does not grow on trees!

    Thanks for letting me add on to your rant (as if you had a choice). This topic is clearly near and dear to my heart.

  4. Amen sister. I should print this off and put it on the refrigerator door for my son and husband as helpful reminders. My husband is actually the worst offender. Once he so mangled a box that I felt compelled to photograph it and send it to friends so they would have pity on me and the way that I’m forced to live. One friend replied about my husband, “Has he never opened a box before?”. And it was a completely legit question..
    Gina W. recently posted…“Flash Your Tits! It’s the Goodyear Blimp!”My Profile

  5. I don’t know how Gerald does it but EVERY time the man fixes eggs on the stovetop, there’s spillage. Not sure if he gets over zealous with the spatula or what. Oh then he just leaves it there to harden and I end up cleaning it up because I can’t take it anymore. And you sooo know that’s what he’s banking on.
    kdcol recently posted…The unmanneredMy Profile

  6. Never seen a cereal box opened with a chainsaw before.

  7. I’m in my late forties and I STILL can’t open a cereal box properly! The thing that gets me is that my kids insist on taking the cereal plastic bag out of the box to pour the cereal. These bags are so flimsy, it inevitably tears after they’ve done this a few times and cereal ends up everywhere. Ucch. Thanks for linking to #effitfriday.
    Absolutely Prabulous recently posted…#effitfriday 27th August 2015My Profile

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