Good Naked and Bad Naked

Good Naked and Bad Naked

As Jerry Seinfeld discovered there is good naked and there is bad naked. We saw both when we were on holiday (this was two years ago now, but as we just returned from our second visit to Hawaii, I was reminded I didn’t tell you about this the first time around).

You see, because I think our teens should have experiences of all types, we went to a clothing optional beach. It seems though, we were the only ones to opt in to clothing.

Let me ‘splain the difference between good and bad naked if you haven’t thought about it before now.

Your mother = bad naked.

Your spouse while making dinner, grooming, or doing taxes = bad naked.

Your spouse = good naked (unless your dad is talking, then it is bad naked, obviously.)

In fact, I’d say there are far fewer good naked scenarios than there are bad naked ones. But, maybe I’m a naked-phobe.

When we went to the clothing optional beach on the Big Island of Hawaii, this was the first time for all of us. It was a climb to get down to it so once we were settled we* didn’t want to leave right away. * Everyone in the family beside me.

The reasons I wanted to stay are threefold.

  1. You don’t want to be seen as a voyeur so, you have to hunker down for a bit. One family did come down in their clothes, walked twenty paces then struggled back up the hill in a hurry. I thought that seemed rude and a little uncultured and you don’t want to be that family.
  2. Mind expansion.
  3. The day was glorious, and the black sand was as soft as talc. Why should the nudies have all the fun?

While there, we soaked in the sun and had our own nude lessons. Whoever said travel isn’t more enlightening than school, hasn’t been to this beach. Anyway, we discovered some other ways naked could be bad that day in case you don’t have the opportunity to get to a clothing optional beach or are thinking of it and want to know the rules. To be clear, rules from the clothed people. I don’t think these are real rules from the nudists. They seemed to have only one rule–be nude.

Bad naked on a clothing optional beach, as perceived by clothed people:

  1. Yoga poses as a couple. Let’s just make that any yoga poses are bad naked.
  2. Handstands.
  3. Tai Chi.
  4. Lunges.
  5. I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest ALL forms of exercise, based on our experience that day, would be considered bad naked.
  6. Sleeping in the sun. It just seemed, to me, like the sunscreen wasn’t going to do enough in this situation. It was black sand and really burning down on us and it stuck to all skin that was less than dry (see how I avoided the use of the word moist? Score one for me). I was, truthfully, worried about many of our naked neighbours. My family didn’t seem to want to discuss my concerns either, which was also concerning.
  7. Having lunch on the beach is bad naked.
  8. Lying face up while manspreading. Yup, definitely the bad naked winner of the day. Especially since Mister didn’t see this until he turned over onto his stomach and looked behind him at his viewpoint. It only amused me is all I can tell you.
  9. Being clothed on a beach of naked.
  10. Talking to strangers naked.

On #10, we were playing in the surf. It was really powerful so Shaggy and I were sitting in the sand and the surf would push us up the beach. After a particularly strong wave and a fit of giggles, a naked man came over to talk to us.

“That looks like fun.”

“It is a crazy amount of fun, right Shaggy?” He was gone. To him, boobs are good naked. Anything other than boobs are bad naked. Talking to naked is therefore bad. I think even talking to boobs might have been bad in this situation.

The only other people on the beach with clothes were two spear fishermen we watched arrive and twenty minutes later reappear from the surf  Poseidon-like. A lot of naked beachgoers talked to them while they were holding their stringers full of colourful fish in one hand and their spears in the other. It did occur to me that I was glad they had put on their swimming trunks to go into the ocean and hurl sharp pointy sticks at erratically moving objects. It also occurred to me that those fish were hanging out in the surf near shore and they were big and hungry looking which might be one of the reasons no one seemed to go in the ocean except to ‘cool off’ their nether regions/pee. But then again, that surf was insanely strong for a sheltered bay which led to more nakedness on the beach and what fun would a bad naked list be if everyone was essentially skinny dipping and you had to imagine the naked with clothes on? As an aside, this is the trick if you want to forget what you are saying to a room full of people by the way–imagine the people in the audience with clothes on. Most people just tell you the opposite is true but I’m a giver so I want you to have all the information.

I wish I’d been able to get a picture of the stringers because it was an impressive display of fish for only twenty minutes work. But, the thing about a clothing optional beach is that taking photos somehow seems wrong (which explains why this was the only photo I took on the day.) There were no signs on the beach to that effect. Come to think of it, there were no signs on the beach announcing the optionalness of the beach either or what would be considered good and bad options. My conclusion is I think this beach needed more signs.

Life experience checked off the list. As a bonus, I’m convinced neither of our children will be nudists so that is good information to have.

And, for your viewing (naked optional–unless you are at work) pleasure, “Where am I gonna get a fat guy and a cannonball?”



  1. My life currently sucks. But your blogs help me a lot, so even though I’m not writing as much as I did, I’m still here. Loved this!

  2. I never would have thought of going to a clothing-optional beach as an educational experience. Well, I did have a teacher in high school who told the class about her trip to Greece where apparently all the beaches are clothing-optional and she decided to take the non-clothing option. She was a very nice person but I realized I didn’t want to think of my teacher that way. She didn’t take pictures either, but the point is, good or bad, it made it difficult to concentrate.
    Although I would argue that skinnydipping is the one form of acceptable naked exercise, but only when there are no large hungry fish around, and when everything is kept below the waterline.
    Christopher recently posted…Paperless Post.My Profile

  3. I’ve had 3 naked beach experiences, one in Croatia (early 20’s awkward-bad), St. Maarten (20’s honeymoon-good), and Toronto (30’s kinda good). Moving forward, at this age, unless i’m alone at the cottage on deck, it’s tan lines from here on.

  4. There is only one kind of good naked when it comes to this aging body. Lights off/Pitch Dark. And I do mean full dark. Nobody wants to get a glimpse of this, even by the feeble light of a cell phone charger.
    Arionis recently posted…Just A Small UpdateMy Profile

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