The Holes in My Shirts are Going to Cost Us

holes in shirt mum revised

There are lots of theories why I have tiny holes in my shirts now.

  1. My belly button is trying to see what the fuck is going on.
  2. My pants are so tight they are trying to escape and my shirt is in the way.
  3. I am too cheap to buy shirts that withstand the wash.
  4. I am too lazy to wash things on gentle even if it says on the label to do so (which I would never know because I don’t read cleaning labels. Go ahead. Judge me. I dare you. Might want to wait until you read #5 though.)
  5. I have very poor knife skills.

But the real reason is very simple. I’m a leaner. I lean against the counter causing the button or zipper of my pants and my shirt to press against the hard surface. The first step is always admitting you have a problem.

I could solve this problem in several ways.

  1. I could have all counters in my house lowered by six inches. Mister thinks that is unreasonable. I think he should think again.
  2. I could wear mom jeans with a high rise and plastic zipper. I’ll give you a hint; the counters dropping are more likely.
  3. I could wear nothing but polyester. HA! That isn’t even a thing is it?
  4. I could wear leather elbow patches on all of my shirts at the bellybutton height.
  5. I could stop leaning.

Seems that the counters moving is the only reasonable option. I’ll keep you posted when we have the renovation planned.

PS: I have a piece running on Scary Mommy on Tuesday! Watch for, “I Stopped Yelling at my Kids and it Ruined My Life.” I will add the link when I have it. It’s official. I’m big news now and you knew me when 🙂


  1. Tell the truth. You’re a sloppy cigar smoker and as tiny hot ashlets fall they burn holes in your shirts. This is a more widespread problem than people realized and has made me decide right now that cigar bibs should be a thing.

    I’ll be sure to give you a cut of the profits.
    Christopher recently posted…Fill ‘Em Up.My Profile

  2. I’m with Christopher on the smoking/ashes reason for your holes. Your safe with us. It’s OK to admit you have a problem. Man, between the leaning, smoking and poor laundry skills, I’m getting a little worried about you Kristine.
    Oh– I look forward to the Scary Mommy post!
    Gina W. recently posted…Weird Sh*t You Can Buy (but please don’t)My Profile

    • You are right to be worried. I am worried too. I am not a good enough catholic to be this holey holy and I am afraid the pressure might be too much. PS: The burns aren’t from cigars, but the lighting of incense. In the name of the father, son and holey spirit.

  3. Kristine, You are so smart! I’ve been noticing this really strange phenomena (sp?) too but couldn’t figure it out. This is why I read your blog and idealize you!

  4. We went through a period here where all our shirts (shirts only) had little holes in them. It took a washing machine repair to fix that issue. It even got my LUCKY SHIRT. But for some reason we told people that I hung them on the line and “pecker birds” made those holes. We must have been drunk or something, cause that makes no sense. I thought it sounded like we were poor to say my washer was messed up. But hanging them on the line and pecker birds pecking at them, well, I sound awesome. Congratulations on your fame. Don’t forget us little people 🙂
    halfa1000miles recently posted…The Ace of VaginaMy Profile

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