Home Ownership v. Kids. Who Wins the PITA Battle?
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As you will know if you follow along on our bumpy ride on this blog, we are under construction. As such, I had a feeling that we were giving birth a little and thought a comparison might be in order.
So why are houses like kids?
- The behaviour of a kid is completely unpredictable. The crap you have to deal with as a home owner is also unpredictable. Case in point, that time that the perfectly good eaves decided to fall off the side of the house without warning reminds me of the time that our potty-trained spawn peed on the drug store floor wearing snow pants.
- Kids and houses both don’t do what they are supposed to do. Like when the fridge stopped working without warning. All our food had to be shoved into a bar fridge for 3 weeks while eating mustard, salad dressing and pickles for lunch. Babies don’t sleep through the night even if you ask them, kids don’t make their beds and pre-teens don’t
change their underwearwash their hair often enough giving a lovely odour to the whole house. That brings me to…
- The smell. Poopy diapers = dying mice and racoons. Baby vomit on a clean shirt = the time the dishwasher, full of clean dishes, decided to smell like rotting flesh for no reason for 6 weeks while we waited for a part.
- They are noisy. Kids for obvious reasons. Houses are noisy when the washing machine bearing ‘goes’. We had a full size jet engine warming up in our basement trying to get the grass stains out of jeans.
- You can’t invite company over any time you want like during nap time or during the sewage incident of 2002. We had a guest from Australia staying at our house and a lot of poop floating in our basement. That is a tourism brochure right there folks!
- Speaking of… they both cost a shit load as they get older. The basement plumbing fiasco costs about as much as feeding and clothing a teenager for one year alone (maybe not, but go with it because there are so many examples here you can just imagine them on your own).
- You can’t sell them on eBay. Don’t tell me you have never looked that up?? Maybe you can sell a house, but who would sell a house on eBay? You might only get $42 and shipping would be a bitch! It is against some lawyer’s rule to sell kids online however.
- When you get a new house or have a kid, life is all unicorns and rainbows. You don’t even notice what a pain in the ass they are until they are moved in or moved into and it is too late to change your mind. You realize your error after you lay buckets out on the kitchen floor to catch the rain falling in from the un-detected hole in the roof or as you carry the third load of clothes the offspring have outgrown that day to the Goodwill closet (we have a Goodwill closet – true story).
- Houses and kids have their own personalities that you don’t always like. I haven’t told you about when our house was haunted yet, but to sum up, our house was an asshole when we first moved in and I promise to write a post on it one day if ‘they’ will let me. Although I would never say out loud that our kids are trying sometimes… (you can finish that sentence).
- Finally, no matter how confident you are that everything is on the right track, it is not as it appears to be. Just as we finished our last renovation and we were cuddled on the couch watching the new TV and commenting at how quiet and beautiful everything was, we saw a mouse walk right in front of the TV as if he owned the place (I swear he was scowling) and I’m sure he wanted our chips. Sounds like every teen I have ever met.
There are probably more similarities and if you have one, leave me a comment so I can say Huzzah! That is my new favourite word that I refuse to look up for fear it means ‘give me the car keys and give me your beer’. Shut up ghost… this is my house now!