Friday 5: I Am a Judgemental Bitch

I am a nasty bitch in my head. I know you are saying, probably out loud, ‘You are exaggerating Kristine. I think you’re swell’. Maybe you didn’t say swell unless you are over 80, but still, you get the picture. No, I am truly a judgemental nasty person on the inside. On the outside, not so much. Inside, I am a stinker. But not that kind of stinker (that will be funnier later).

I have been spending time on the subway lately. There are a vast array of people on the subway. Plenty to look at and plenty to be judgemental about. Below my rants in italics are what I would say to my children if they asked why I was making my ‘You are seriously planning to leave those dirty socks on my coffee table’ face. Or, if I was caught by the offender also making this face, but I might double over a bit feigning stomach cramps before saying my spiel in italics–damn, I am an eighty year-old man trapped in a 46-y.o. body. Scratch that, I have a 55 y.o. body because I am advanced.

My judgemental bitch observations (the subway is making me crazy):

1. Long toenails. I am not talking about the “I haven’t looked down there in 1 month and my polish is almost gone” look. I am a mum, I get that. What I am talking about is the people with long toenails to the point that they can only wear flip flops. Here’s a general rule: If your toenails are longer that Gaga’s fingernails, you have gone too far. This woman loved her toenails too, because they were recently polished to a bright blue, unmissable, shine. WTF?! What kind of dirt and grime must be hiding under those talons? They had even started to curl so I wonder if she clipped along the floors at home like a dog. But to my kids:

I could never keep my toenails like that. I would be constantly stubbing them and breaking them.

2. Breastfeeding in rush hour. I am likely to get a few haters on this one. Picture it, rush hour and we were all fighting for space on a crowded car. I was expecting the subway workers to start pushing us through the doors like they do in Tokyo. When I finally wrestle my way in and decide it is not worth looking to see what is touching my ass, I looked over to see a mother breastfeeding her little cherub. She was not only taking up two seats with this endeavour, she was also wielding a giant stroller intended not for a small child, but clearly meant to house a baby hippo for the shear size of it. It took up the entire isle. I breastfed our kids and I know it is super convenient. You can do it anywhere. Here’s the thing. You can do it anywhere like at home, in one of the thousands of nursing rooms in Toronto or even on the platform while waiting for the subway. It is hard enough on a crowded subway to know where to look. If I see boob, I am going to look and I wish I could only look once, but I am going to have to look again to ensure what I saw was correct. Now I look like a pervert and with my ‘I gotta poop’ face on, this is not good.

(Throw rotten tomatoes now). But my kids would have heard:

How beautiful to see a baby bonding with her mother. 

3. Ugly people open mouth kissing. I am going so far as to say, any people open mouth kissing. I am totally cool with the ‘goodbye honey, have a great day’ kiss. No worries there. But the groping slobbery open mouth moan kiss is just too much for public consumption. My kids did see this one and I wish I would have said It’s nice when people are in love. But what I did say was ‘I know, ick. Just look away.’ Not my best parenting moment but at least they know where I stand on PDA’s.

4. Transgendered kid who had mastered liquid eyeliner. This one is a bit of respect too because liquid eyeliner is a bitch. I always end up looking like a tranny… oh, now I get it. Anyway, this girl was not quite there yet. Her legs were shaved last week and she was wearing capris with long dark stubble. But what I learned is that you can make yourself to look like a girl but your feet will always say boy. Those toes were definitely man-toes and I wondered if there is surgery for that. Then I looked it up. It’s a thing! I was pretty pumped to know that this kid had hope in ridding her of man-feet. Speaking of pretty pumped, I also found out in my search that there is a procedure called the Loub Job to let women feel more comfortable in their Christian Louboutin’s. WTF? Mister was pretty excited when I asked him if he knew what a Loub Job was. He wasn’t as excited when I told him what it really was.

I wish I could do my liquid eyeliner like that. You must have a steady hand.

5. Painted on eyebrows. I just don’t get it. I think these women look ridiculous with their painted on eyebrows. Why is this a thing? Just why? I see nothing wrong with a little fill-in but not the shave half (or all) of your eyebrow off and then paint them on. These women (and to be PC for once here, transgendered people) be crazy! I can not for the life of me understand how it can possibly be perceived as being attractive. Am I wrong?

That must take a lot of work to get perfect. (I might even go back to the steady hand comment because I don’t want to wear myself out thinking of nice things to say.)

Even though the ending is dumb in this video, you will understand what I mean about the painted on brows. WTF?! I mean, really. WTF?! (NSFW)

And as a bonus to my Friday 5, I present #6. Stinky people. With all of us in the subway car jammed like sheep and smelling like jammed in sardines, most of us have to reach up and grab the grab bars to not launch ourselves into the middle of the car for a grope. If you stink, there should be priority seating for you. I mean it. I should not have to be subjected to your underarm stank because you can’t get in the shower once/week or arrive earlier to get on a subway where you will get a seat and put those skunkers down. I have nothing nice to say on this one except that there should be a special place in hell in the subway for you. That’s right. Priority seating for the odour impaired. I have a hard enough time keeping my breakfast down with the regular sweaty people smell topped with overkill perfume and curry breakfast belches. Here is what I propose:

What I said to my kids? Can we move to the next car because I can’t stand the smell? I might as well just throw out that Mother of the Year card they made for me in second grade. I blew it all in one day.

That concludes this week’s Friday 6. If you are a closeted judgemental bitch, join me by subscribing. I have plenty more where this came from. Look up and on the right. Not here, at the top. Now right. Why are you still reading down here. Go now before time runs out! PS: It never runs out but go now anyway.