I Will Not Make a Meal For You

I don’t know if it is the same everywhere, but where I live, I am often asked to make a meal for someone in need. I am not talking about the vagrant on the corner; I am referring to a fellow mom who is having a hard time. I do this willingly hoping never to have to ‘collect’ but expecting that if I need to, my peeps will be there for me.

I have made meals for friends who have had babies. Friends diagnosed with cancer. Friends who have had major surgery. Friends with children diagnosed with cancer. Friends who were spending every day with a parent in the hospital and their husbands still couldn’t boil water for pasta but could make it to McDonald’s.  But I have a line.

Recently a meal request went around in the school community*. The reason? Instead of telling you outright because there is no fun in that, I produced a list of ten reasons I will not make a meal for a family. Hopefully, this list will clear things up for people approaching me in the future expecting a ‘yes’ response. One of these is the real reason. See if you can spot it.

1. If your family had a flat tire on the highway and you were forced to change it yourself, I will not make a meal for you.
2. If your family’s 14-year-old girl mistakenly deleted Snap Chat and ruined all her streaks, I will not make a meal for you.
3. If you suffered the catastrophic loss of your pet “Fishy” when the teenager next door forgot to feed it, I will not make a meal for you.
4. If the X-Box your tween wanted for his ‘I got a B in math’ present was sold out, I will not make a meal for you.
5. If your dog underwent surgery and won’t stop licking his missing parts grossing everyone out, I will not make a meal for you.
6. If you were forced to open your luggage at customs revealing nothing but dirty crotchless underpants and stolen hotel toiletries scaring your teens for life, I will not make a meal for you.
7. If you tripped over a crack in the sidewalk and bit your tongue ‘really hard’ forcing you to talk funny, I will not make a meal for you (but I might mock you).
8. If your housekeeper broke her wrist in a bar fight and was unable to make the beds, I will not make a meal for you.
9. If your teen boy lost two fingers on holiday playing with the weight room equipment and the family was forced to finish their weeklong vacation without the digits, I will not make a meal for you.
10. If your flight was delayed on holiday forcing you to miss your massage and your reservations to that ‘once in a lifetime’ restaurant, I will not make a meal for you.

Are any of these reasons good enough to make a meal for the family I ask? Are you compelled to bread chicken and make a sauce for Chicken Parma or brown some ground beef for chili? If so, the second toe on my left foot has been fusing since my vacation to Costa Rica last year. Sometimes I have residual pain that forces me off my feet, and I am compelled to call for pizza instead of making a home-cooked meal. (That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.)

*To be clear, the family in question said they did not want meals as they felt it was inappropriate. It was the school do-gooders who were trying to organize it on their behalf. Bravo family. You may have had a hard week, but you didn’t lose your good sense twice. 

You can find me two other places on the interwebs today if you liked this. Scary Mommy here and Absolutely Prabulous here.