I’ll Have Some Fish Oil With Those Farts

I’ll Have Some Fish Oil With Those Farts

So we have this fabulously hairy dog, Scooby. He has been mentioned more than anyone else in the family on this blog because he is my favourite*. I have been training him to say Mama and then I won’t need my kids much after that. The only thing that keeps me from replacing the kids altogether is the Fish Oil Incident of 2011.

It was a cold and wet day. Snow was afoot. Snow was also apaw since the hairy baby refused to wear his booties on our walk. Don’t judge me. As was usual, after a wet walk, the Scoobmeister spends time in the garage (Again – don’t judge me, but we have a carpeted garage and a space heater for the dog). He is in there with a treat and some water until he becomes bearable to live with.

Since our garage has a door right into our foyer (pronounced Foy-Eh, NOT Foy-ER) we left him in there for about an hour so that he was dried off enough to not drag the wet dog smell completely throughout the house.

I went to grab him for dinner and opened the door to discover an overpowering stench. It was not wet dog smell it was something infinitely worse. Because our garage is attached, sometimes we use it as a walk-in fridge. Extra beer, pop, sometimes even leftovers or pies make their home on those shelves. But what I smelled was not turkey stuffing it was fish.

You see, there are a great number of responsibilities that come with being the owner of a beautiful sheepdog. Grooming is paramount. As The Scoober was finding the winter drying for his skin (because he was scratching a lot), I picked up some fish oil to make his skin and hair silky and smooth. Because I love him best*. Scoobs would get a tablespoon in his dinner meal and he loved it.

Fish oil is best kept in the fridge so it doesn’t go rancid.

We own a walk-in fridge.

The dog was in there by himself for an hour with 500mL (16oz) of fish oil on a shelf that was eye level for our dog.

Mister was out-of-town.

This was a recipe for disaster and the only ingredients needed were a dog and a bottle of fish oil.

I’m sure I don’t have to tell you what the stench was, but I will the speed things up. It was our Sheepdog covered nose to butt in fish oil. Apparently he had tried to investigate the plastic bottle, probably while he was just licking it like a good boy, and his teeth slipped. In doing so, the bottle had shot the lid off. Poor Scoobs had licked up as much as he could to save me from cleaning it because he’s a giver. He then tried to hide the evidence so that I didn’t feel bad for leaving him in the garage for an hour by putting the bottle on top of my sports bag where I would find it. My baby likes to do stuff like this when Mister is not around because he knows I will still be his friend. Dead squirrels, eating goose poop, getting the runs only happen to punish Mister for leaving town for days of work. This time he left just prior to me walking the dog.

Who? Me?

Who? Me?

Let’s play a little game. I’m calling it Do You Know? 

  • Do you know how long it takes for 500mL of fish oil to pass through the colon of a 45 pound dog? 5 days.
  • Do you know how many days Mister was away during this time? 5 days.
  • Do you know how many fish farts a dog who has consumed 500mL of fish oil in one sitting shares with his family in a 24 hour period? Approximately 327.
  • Do you know how many windows one must open in a house trying to be heated while the fish farting was in full force? Every damn one!
  • Do you know how many people were required to wear winter coats in the house? Every damn one!
  • Do you know how many walks a dog with the fish oil runs requires in a day when the weather is colder than the Antarctic? At least 10.
  • Do you know how many walks he would normally get when the weather is frightful? 1/day max.
  • Do you know how many doggie bags are required for each of those walks? 6. I was glad he pooped in snowbanks so I could actually attempt to remove the fishy ass water off other peoples’ property.
  • Do you know how many ass baths our sheepdog required each day? 10.
  • Do you know how many ass baths he would get in a regular year? 10. And, always at the groomers.
  • Do you know how long it takes for the emotional scars to heal after eating every meal in the house for those 5 days with clothes pegs on our noses? 4.5 years. That is why I can tell this tail (intentional misspelling) now.

We now let our little princess be itchy. It is safer for all of us that way.

* As I write this the kids are fighting and throwing things at each other. But they are not farting that I know of, so I’ll keep them and they can fight over who is my favourite next.


Comments

  1. Oh dear lord… LOL
    That sounds as bad as the time our neighbor, in a gesture of “kindness” to our old lab, who was so abused and neglected she wasn’t allowed to eat table scraps, slipped her a ham bone. With some of the meat and fat still attached.

    I won’t describe the resulting explosion… but suffice it to say I cut out a large chunk of our bedroom carpeting, rolled it up, and carried it out to be burnt. True story. I loved that dog but… yeah. We slept with windows open for the next few weeks.
    Life With Teens and Other Wild Things recently posted…The Three Bears and CPS- A Mixed Up, (but true) FairytaleMy Profile

  2. Oh how I do love a funny fart story (because I’m mature like that). This is hilarious. 🙂
    kdcol recently posted…She does more than just bang, thank youMy Profile

  3. I used to have a lab/beagle mix that was known to consume 2lb tubs of margarine on occasion. As bad as that was it’s nothing to compare to Fish Oil Farts.

    It’s a good thing they’re cute.
    Vanessa D. recently posted…How Does My Garden Grow?My Profile

    • I forgot we had the Becel incident of 2009! He was a greasy mess for days and the kitchen floor took four cleanings to not be slick. I was able to punish my son for some serious infraction and he had to do a butt wash for that one. That was a fun one.

      • I have a golden retriever now – he’s pretty good most of the time but there was the “entire loaf of raisin bread” incident. I honestly didn’t know a dog could either shit or fart (he was around the corner and I was NOT investigating) for five minutes continuous. This is why to this day I take the scissors to his butt fur a couple of times a year.
        Vanessa D. recently posted…Life With A German ShepherdMy Profile

        • We also had an ‘entire pan of freshly baked cookies’ incident. That and the butter were the end of his counter surfing days thankfully. I find it amazing how little he farts when his food is just his kibble. Nobody to blame the smell on. That is the disadvantage…

  4. I have tears rolling down my face from laughing at this, it’s fucking hilarious. And that’s swearing.

    Our dog once ate a full tub of dehydrated gravy granules. Man, there was a stench then, so I can relate.
    PinkNoam recently posted…Steakmaster Jean & The Furious FriesMy Profile

  5. Dogs are so considerate, aren’t they? I remember one time when our beloved Penny had some uncharacteristic upset stomach troubles during the night. Sensing an impending assplosion, she wisely reasoned that it wouldn’t do to let loose inside her crate, dirtying herself and her bedding in the process. So she thoughtfully aligned her butt with one of the holes in the latticed wire door of the crate and went for a distance record in projectile defecation out onto our tile floor instead.

    I was somewhat conveniently fast asleep for the actual cleanup efforts, but I got to enjoy the lingering aroma along with everyone else. The nose hair curling gift that kept on giving.
    Spoken Like A True Nut recently posted…Happy Mother’s Day. You stink.My Profile

  6. Oh, man! I don’t even have the words – poor doggy…poor you.
    Jana recently posted…Work (Un)AppreciationMy Profile

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge

%d bloggers like this: