I’ll Have Some Fish Oil With Those Farts
So we have this fabulously hairy dog, Scooby. He has been mentioned more than anyone else in the family on this blog because he is my favourite*. I have been training him to say Mama and then I won’t need my kids much after that. The only thing that keeps me from replacing the kids altogether is the Fish Oil Incident of 2011.
It was a cold and wet day. Snow was afoot. Snow was also apaw since the hairy baby refused to wear his booties on our walk. Don’t judge me. As was usual, after a wet walk, the Scoobmeister spends time in the garage (Again – don’t judge me, but we have a carpeted garage and a space heater for the dog). He is in there with a treat and some water until he becomes bearable to live with.
Since our garage has a door right into our foyer (pronounced Foy-Eh, NOT Foy-ER) we left him in there for about an hour so that he was dried off enough to not drag the wet dog smell completely throughout the house.
I went to grab him for dinner and opened the door to discover an overpowering stench. It was not wet dog smell it was something infinitely worse. Because our garage is attached, sometimes we use it as a walk-in fridge. Extra beer, pop, sometimes even leftovers or pies make their home on those shelves. But what I smelled was not turkey stuffing it was fish.
You see, there are a great number of responsibilities that come with being the owner of a beautiful sheepdog. Grooming is paramount. As The Scoober was finding the winter drying for his skin (because he was scratching a lot), I picked up some fish oil to make his skin and hair silky and smooth. Because I love him best*. Scoobs would get a tablespoon in his dinner meal and he loved it.
Fish oil is best kept in the fridge so it doesn’t go rancid.
We own a walk-in fridge.
The dog was in there by himself for an hour with 500mL (16oz) of fish oil on a shelf that was eye level for our dog.
Mister was out-of-town.
This was a recipe for disaster and the only ingredients needed were a dog and a bottle of fish oil.
I’m sure I don’t have to tell you what the stench was, but I will the speed things up. It was our Sheepdog covered nose to butt in fish oil. Apparently he had tried to investigate the plastic bottle, probably while he was just licking it like a good boy, and his teeth slipped. In doing so, the bottle had shot the lid off. Poor Scoobs had licked up as much as he could to save me from cleaning it because he’s a giver. He then tried to hide the evidence so that I didn’t feel bad for leaving him in the garage for an hour by putting the bottle on top of my sports bag where I would find it. My baby likes to do stuff like this when Mister is not around because he knows I will still be his friend. Dead squirrels, eating goose poop, getting the runs only happen to punish Mister for leaving town for days of work. This time he left just prior to me walking the dog.
Let’s play a little game. I’m calling it Do You Know?
- Do you know how long it takes for 500mL of fish oil to pass through the colon of a 45 pound dog? 5 days.
- Do you know how many days Mister was away during this time? 5 days.
- Do you know how many fish farts a dog who has consumed 500mL of fish oil in one sitting shares with his family in a 24 hour period? Approximately 327.
- Do you know how many windows one must open in a house trying to be heated while the fish farting was in full force? Every damn one!
- Do you know how many people were required to wear winter coats in the house? Every damn one!
- Do you know how many walks a dog with the fish oil runs requires in a day when the weather is colder than the Antarctic? At least 10.
- Do you know how many walks he would normally get when the weather is frightful? 1/day max.
- Do you know how many doggie bags are required for each of those walks? 6. I was glad he pooped in snowbanks so I could actually attempt to remove the fishy ass water off other peoples’ property.
- Do you know how many ass baths our sheepdog required each day? 10.
- Do you know how many ass baths he would get in a regular year? 10. And, always at the groomers.
- Do you know how long it takes for the emotional scars to heal after eating every meal in the house for those 5 days with clothes pegs on our noses? 4.5 years. That is why I can tell this tail (intentional misspelling) now.
We now let our little princess be itchy. It is safer for all of us that way.
* As I write this the kids are fighting and throwing things at each other. But they are not farting that I know of, so I’ll keep them and they can fight over who is my favourite next.