Is Your Mattress Suspicious?

suspicious bed

We bought a new mattress after only two years on the last one. We read a few reviews on websites to make sure we chose a good mattress, click here for more if you need to read some too! I loved the last one, but it was hard on Mister’s back. He has a bad back, and his constant pain made him a constant pain (joke, honey).

One option was the sleep number bed. It is only available in the split variety in Canada that I could tell. You know the kind where they depict the old couple–one reading and one sleeping (likely at 7pm), that goes up and down per side? That is one step away from needing a stair lift and grab bars near the toilet as far as I am concerned. So that was out.

We decided on a Westin heavenly bed ‘equivalent.’ The new one needs to be slept on for 10-14 days before it apparently gets comfortable but Mister is already feeling better. Me, not so much, but I can be patient.

In my mattress research where I decided to learn about them at Leesa and review sites, I discovered that there is a mattress from Spain called the Smarttress. Have you heard of this? It is technology enabled, not to provide heat, vibration or even sleepnumbery-ness. It is activated to one of the spouse’s phones to tell them when suspicious activity is happening on their bed when they are not in it. It gives the duration, velocity, and pressure points (think position).

I have many questions:

  1. How does the spouse not know they are getting a new bed?
  2. Why are they not suspicious that they were not part of the decision-making process?
  3. How do they not notice that their bed needs recharging?
  4. I thought pay-by-the-hour hotels are where affairs happen, not in the marital bed. Ick!

I have questions about the app too:

  1. What if you were enjoying your bed on your own? Your spouse would find out and then it is less enjoyable and totally blows the spouse’s cover if he or she calls to ask “Can I help you, honey?”
  2. What if your lover was a little person? Would it register?
  3. What if bodily fluids leaked on your bed? Is there a shock or does that aid in the lovemaking?
  4. What does it look like when you let the kids jump on the bed? They can go forever, and that is bound to make a spouse unnecessarily mad.

Advantages I think the company should promote:

  1. Creepy single guys or girls could plug in and get stats on their lover of the night. Choosing a partner has never been easier.
  2. What about changing your teenager’s mattress? They might not care if you bought them a new mattress and be unaware that they can be caught with their pants down.
  3. Happy couples could, consentingly, review their stats and get ‘charged up’ with improving on their last score (you saw what I did there, right?).

I think you are missing the bigger markets Smarttress. Up your game. Like finding an appropriate mate, catching your lying teenager or making a couple more active. Use your technology for good.

*To be clear. Mister and I were both part of the decision-making process, and there is no Smarttress in our house.


  1. I used to have night terrors and sleepwalk. On one occasion my wife woke to find me trying to take down the picture that hung over our bed because I was trying to open the wall safe behind it. The fact that there is no wall safe didn’t deter me.

    I’m pretty sure the stress of knowing the Smarttress was measuring stress would just add to these problems.
    Christopher recently posted…Poetry In Motion: Week 4.My Profile

  2. I have a shit back but I don’t think there’s a mattress smart enough for me.
    jay recently posted…Tribeca: Hunt for the WilderpeopleMy Profile

    • Sorry, your back is shitty! Mister is finally able to wake up ‘regular sore’ instead of ‘in excruciating pain.’ Mister travels and finds the change of beds kills him but he started a stretch routine every morning which makes him at least tolerable to live with more comfortable.

  3. i think that Smattress has a dirty mind. It was only a perfectly innocent pillow fight.
    Bun Karyudo recently posted…Mad Max Fury Road is a Masterpiece! Why Won’t Anyone Believe Me?My Profile

  4. Clearly you need to write to this company. All companies like feedback and you’ve got some great stuff to say. They haven’t thought this thing through nearly enough!

  5. True Story: A few weeks ago my phone rang when I was in the parking lot of CVS. I didn’t have my reading glasses on, and my daughter just got her drivers license. I usually ignore my phone, but I didn’t know where she was, so I picked up.

    It was a robo call about how I’d won a cruise. I almost hung up, but they sounded so convincing that I decided to stay on a while and wait for the catch. Turns out I won this cruise because I gave feedback to some company that was able to use my info to improve their sales. The cruise isn’t absolutely free, but it’s at a really big discount and me and my family will be going to the Bahamas. I get to experience a swim up bar. (I know that’s kinda icky to you, and I probably won’t use it, I’m just excited to have the level of vacation). So, seriously, give feedback when you can!

    We aren’t going until next summer because we can’t find 9 days in a row that we’re all available until then. But after that we get a second trip to either Vegas or Puerto Vallarta. Woo hoo!

  6. hello Kristine Laco
    wow,I don’t think there’s a mattress smart enough for our family. i am very impress.
    md jahirul islam recently posted…Shrunks Inflatable Bed Rail Reviews – Read before you Buy!My Profile

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