Join my New Kick Starter Campaign: Breathalyzer Microphones!

Join my New Kick Starter Campaign: Breathalyzer Microphones!

On the heels of another star slurring their way through an awards show, I have decided to take matters into my own hands for the sake of us all.

So I introduce, for your consideration, the Breathalyzer Microphone!

The world’s first microphone rendered useless with the speech of someone who has more than their legal limit of alcohol. Brilliant, I dare say.

Who could forget Kanye West’s lovely tribute to Beyoncé as he swiped the mic right out of Taylor Swift’s innocent hands? Problem solved. Dead air Kanye. But you are used to that.

What about Mariah’s People’s Choice Awards presentation. “Please forgive me because I’m a little bit… ya”. Little bit unable to speak is what you were looking for Mariah.

How about Anna Nicole Smith when she couldn’t put a sentence together? There are too many times here to mention but I am sure one of them was at an awards show.

Top 10 Best Drunken Award Show performances are all fun to watch but my favourite has to be Joan Rivers. I never would have enabled her Breathalyzer mic. She was funny as hell drunk or sober.

The Anna Nicole Smith’s and Miriah Carey’s of the world, we can do without your ‘I love you man’ banter.

Even Mr Johnny Depp… I think you have to remember that Jack Sparrow is done. You can no longer get away with method acting the part outside the studio. You are not a pirate and you never were. You can get back to being American’s sexiest man any time now. It is not sexy to be doing a job and slurring your way through it. It is not sexy that you cannot stand in one place or straight up for that matter. It is not sexy that you disrespected someone you call an incredibly loyal friend. Did you notice that he was unimpressed? His moment became yours and that is just incredibly disloyal and extremely unsexy.

But with the Breathalyzer Microphone Johnny, your sexy can be restored. You will tap on that microphone and mime ‘is this thing on?’. We will all think it is cute that a big star can’t get the microphone to work and then someone will read the cards for you while you stand there looking handsome. You will go to add ‘good night’ into the mic and it will be disabled again. You will look baffled, we will all giggle. Win/win.

Invest now my friends before someone else gets up to the mic.

* Warning: This microphone should not be installed at rock concerts, celebrity roasts or in karaoke bars.




  2. so awesome! i didn’t realize what i was reading until i finished and looked up. thought it was buzzfeed or someplace. hahaha

  3. Amazing! This needs to be a thing, where do I throw all my money?

  4. I’m sure you’d get a lot of support from all the publicists and agents and PR people of these drunkards, whose foreheads have permanent marks from where they slapped themselves repeatedly.

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