Lash Extensions Linked to Dramatic Rise in Fabulous Looking Homeless Women
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During such a slow news cycle, some news gets drowned out by reports of puppy sightings and kids saying the darndest things. What you may not have seen are the incredible job creation and employment numbers reported by the Cheeto in Charge. I’m here to tell you, the report omitted some minor details–the majority of the jobs for women were created in the lash extension business and the number of homeless women is on the rise. On the surface, these look unrelated but with our investigative reporting, we discovered the causality.
For those of you still stuck in the 2017’s, lash extensions have taken the beauty industry by storm. Women spend hours on their backs with their eyes closed as razor-sharp tweezers glue individual plastic eyelashes in varying lengths to their clients’ actual home-grown, substandard lashes. Lengths available range from business appropriate to ‘ready for the pole.’
I began my investigation on the street. I wanted to interview women with their hats out to find out why they hadn’t benefitted from the increase in work. I was surprised to see these ladies not looking dishevelled or street-worn, but rather they looked fabulous. What was their secret?
I spoke to Trina first who was wearing last year’s Prada without a trace of shame. “I notice you have quite a bit of money in your Burberry hat. Isn’t that enough for lunch?”
“Oh, it’s not for lunch. Lunch I can get for only $30 at the local artisanal cheese shop. I need $350 for lashes every three weeks to keep up my look.” she said with a bat of her long, spider-black lashes.
It seems Trina had to start living on the street to maintain her habit. Her family stopped supporting her need when she began missing family gatherings to attend her three-hour appointments.
“So, I missed the school play where my son played Oliver. I saw it on Broadway years ago, and I’m sure it couldn’t have been as good as that,” Trina mentioned. “He wouldn’t have wanted me looking like a hag when I showed up anyway.”
I next spoke with Giselle who told me lashers recognize other lashers. “We complement each other’s doe-eyed looks and understand we each woke up like that.” I found Giselle in the banking district accepting $20 bills to walk on her hands. On her knees were painted large eyes with, you guessed it, lash extensions affixed where her shins began.
Wanda I found in front of a church, she looked left and right before removing her dark Chanel sunglasses to talk with me. I’ll admit I gasped. Her lashes were impossibly long in places and invisible in other patches. “I’ve been pulling out the lashes in my sleep,” she admits. “I’m up to three lash appointments a month and I might need more.” Wanda lost her job but is happy that her lash lady, Rebecca, found her calling at about the same time. “She’s been a Godsend. Literally, God should have sent me the lashes I get every time I see her,” she blinked flirtatiously at me. I found it disconcerting like a three-finger wave.
With some further investigation, we discovered that Wanda is going to need a lashsplant (a revolutionary eyelash transplant) due to her compulsion to pull out her extensions. Rebecca told us, “It is more common than you think.” I was shocked to find out, “since the extensions are attached to the natural lashes, they naturally fall out when the lash does–in about six-week cycles. This leaves periods of time when the lash line might look sparse.” This explains Wanda’s appearance. “Some of my clients get impatient or want a lash upgrade and start pulling out their extensions, forgetting they are attached.” She continued, “Others lose their lashes prematurely due to the weight of the lashes and their constant battering on sunglasses, pillows, or even in the shower.”
Next month we can expect to see the number of jobs in the lashplant sector begin to rise. It seems the longer the lashes, the longer the line of people waiting to get them and the greater number of jobs it creates, and the greater number of fabulous looking homeless women.
And, because we need to say this now, this is satire.