My Own Vagina-Logues
I had a totally new experience this week. A woman stared me straight in the eyes with her fingers firmly planted inside me. I paid her afterwards.
I was at my first vadge physiotherapy session. Sorry guys, I get why this might be disappointing.
As my fellow co-author in Martinis & Motherhood Tales of Wonder, Woe & WTF?! Lisa Webb from Canadian Expat Mom can attest, the vagina is a delicate flower that in Canada suffers like a fragile daisy in winter snow with each child brought into this world. I have had two such harsh winters. In France, they nurture that daisy back to its former glory as part of post-natal health.
Warning: Content NSFW. Also, the following material is especially hilarious but you may not be able to look at me the same way again. I’m ok with that, but I wanted to warn you, in case you were the gandering type. Men, if you want to skip the graphic descriptions, go to the second window and pay for your fries. If you are a real man, I double dog dare you to read on.
I am a mother. Mothers sometimes have issues with their fun tunnel and their peepee pipe. (This is for those men still sticking with me in the hopes that this turns good). So I sought out the advise of my mum friends. Many suffer from the same fate I do when sneezing, jumping or walking briskly. They leak. One of my friends (you have previously met her on the boat) named Sherry of “I love a tight fit. Can you help?” fame, found the solution (you will notice the irony of that statement in a moment). Not Kegels ladies, because that only works for 33% on the population. In fact, my muscles are too tight. That’s right. I am too tight. You are welcome Mister.
The solution is vaginal physiotherapy.
On meeting my new tuna taco therapist, her first question was ‘Do you use soap to clean your vagina?’. I thought this was both a pretty brazen come on and a little disrespectful to imply that I haven’t cleaned myself up in anticipation of this appointment.
‘Yes,’ I answered honestly.
‘You have to stop that. Your vagina is a self-cleaning oven. Use only coconut oil for cleansing.’ my real-life-not-in-my-dreams therapist told me. So I guess the answer to that first question was no after all. Now my mount pleasant smells like the tropics. Again, you are welcome Mister.
Allow me to jump ahead for a moment (not jumping really, because we know what would happen if I did that), in order to free up any muscle knots, what does your physio do? I will let you think this all the way through. Or, all the way in.
That’s right ladies (because the men are long since gone), she worked the knots in my hoo-ha with lube and her digits. I would normally expect her to buy me a drink first, but it wasn’t that sort of arrangement.
While she was rooting around, she asked me to do a few exercises. The first was breathing. Simple enough. I was to open my chest wall like an umbrella with my rib cage expanding. Done and done.
Next I was to imagine my bearded clam as a rose and it was blossoming. I’ll wait for you to wipe the tears…
If the rose didn’t work, I was to imagine a jellyfish as it descends in the ocean and expands (that at least smells more like it). Deep breath ladies, we can get through this together.
Once I mastered the jellyfish I was to inhale as a jelly and exhale imagining I was picking up marbles with my anus. Yup. I said that. Actually, she said that with her hand inside me and her eyes on me.
No matter how many times I tried, the laughter inside-outed the umbrella, made my rose unhappy and I lost my marbles (that was intended).
There were other things on my homework list but posture is not nearly as fun as anus marbles and vaginal flowers. I think you will agree.
I exited the building and, of course, needed to call Sherry. She was my inspiration and I wanted to share the crazy with someone who was also in my club. I called and got voicemail. Shortly thereafter I got a text from her. You can see it below. I feel shame. Her kids were in the car with her and the two younger boys continued to bug her about what the text said that had made their sister laugh and turn red.
“Are you sure you want to know?” Sherry asked.
“Yes,” boys in unison.
“Her vagina smells like a flower.” BAM Sherry, you schooled them and scared them all in one.
Men, if you would like to rejoin the party, I will only talk in generalizations from now on.
To get my kids to do chores around the house, I warned them I would tell them all about my physiotherapy if they didn’t walk the dog, unload the dishes, take out the rubbish and make lunch. Worked a charm.
I am not only spreading the pedals of my vaginal wall, but I am spreading the good news of it all over the city. I go back in a month and am sure to have further exercises to share with you at that time. For now, jelly on.
* BTW: I couldn’t find marbles to take a picture of because of the marble-stepping-on incident of 2012. These are pie weights and no, they don’t actually go in my butt. It is figurative.
If you don’t want to miss the next Vagina-Logue, go to the right and subscribe. At least two people other than those I bribed or are in my wedding album have and they haven’t complained yet.
I hung with you until the smell of the jellyfish. I’ll be sure to wash my hands after playing marbles with you, should that happen.
Thanks for another fun post!
You did good hanging in so long. I’ll wash the marbles first because that’s the kind of girl I am.
Thank God we have you to document these adventures in such an entertaining way! You know, I’d think that this post would be arousing to most straight men. They usually love imagining women touching each other in that way, although I could see how the terms tuna taco, bearded clam, and smelly jellyfish might be a mood killer. I’m so pleased for you that your rose (or “fine china” as I used call it when my daughter was little) now smells like a tropical paradise.
I love the visuals in this post–nice job. (Although those marbles look more like ostrich eggs–how challenging!). I hope Sherry’s sons (and daughter) weren’t too traumatized by your text. Will they ever be able to make eye contact with you again? What an awesome way to get your kids to do their chores. Maybe Karen should try this with her sons.
PT is definitely the way to go. Several years ago my OB/GYN admitted that kegels don’t work for most women. He suggested an easy surgical fix that he could do quickly and easily during another surgery I had to have anyway. It was a piece of mesh tape that props things up to stop the leaking. It worked, but unfortunately the mesh he used was taken off the market 2 months later because 2 in every 1000 women’s bodies were rejecting it. And I was one of those lucky two! I won’t terrorize you with the details…I’ll just say OUCH and WTF?! So keep on dating your PT, and next time I think you should bring her flowers since you’re the one asking for this “treatment.”
Flowers, I am totally going to do that. Hysterical! I talked to a woman yesterday who was planning the surgery and I told her about my business and I may have saved her the knife. Really, this has become a public service blog. Don’t swim in shark-infested waters, don’t let your dog near baby ducks and don’t have surgery when a good fingering will do. You are all welcome.
Make sure the flowers are roses with partially opened blooms. 😉
But of course!
Oh my gosh, the 12 year old boy in me is dying, DYING, to make horribly inappropriate comments. I’ll try to restrain myself. I honestly didn’t know that vaginal physiotherapy was a “thing”. Are you 100% that this is legit? Did you meet this woman on Craigslist? Do you even have Craigslist in Canada? I STILL DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY WE CAN’T WASH OUR VAJAY-JAYS! OK, I’ll try to calm down. Thanks for this interesting post Kristine. It’s going to take me a while to wrap my head around this concept.
Gina W. recently posted…How to Remove Denture Adhesive from your Wiener
Just breathe Gina. You too can get through this. In like a rose, out like a jelly… Self-cleaning oven. Namaste.
La la la la la… Er, is it okay to uncover my eyes now?
Free and clear for another month. I put those handy separating lines there just for you. You didn’t stray over the lines did you? Silly boy.
(sits in corner and quietly sucks thumb…) Well. I guess I’m all grown up now…thanks for sharing – I think?
eva recently posted…My Mother Hates My Tattoos
You are welcome. I know somewhere else you can put that thumb…
Okay, I’ve got LOTS of internet searching to do. I’ve got lots of questions here. Of course I’m betting my searches will lead me right. back. here.
kdcol recently posted…The unmannered
The new authority dare I say. Search away and let me know what you find. I hope it’s marbles…
I’m so glad I stayed all the way to the very end, but you really had me at coconut oil. About once a month I buy a 54 ounce jar of coconut oil because I have three dogs and a scoop of it in their food helps keep their coats soft. I’ve often wondered what other uses it has, and now I know.
The last time I bought it I was on my way out of the store and a little boy grabbed his mother and pointed at me. “He’s buying coconut oil just like we are!”
I didn’t think to look at how his mother reacted to this. Now I’m imagining she was blushing because she uses it to clean her oven, and she was wondering if I would be picking up marbles.
Christopher recently posted…Happy Birthday To That Fat Bastard.
Now you know Christopher. Now you know.
Try not to get excited when you feed your dogs huh?
Ugh, the talking. I hate it when they talk. The only person who should be allowed to talk to me while their fingers are up my tunnel of love is my husband, thankyouverymuch.
Also because I like creating disturbing mental images for myself, I was trying to think up a better visualization exercise for the anus than just picking up regular old marbles, and for some reason the first thing that came to mind was Pac-Man collecting pellets and fruit. I think that might be a little on the advanced side, but it’s something to try out if picking up those marbles ever stops feeling like a challenge. (Waka waka sounds optional.)
Spoken Like A True Nut recently posted…The V card trick: Part III
I’m afraid of elevators, sharks and swallowing apples with my ass so I’ll leave that to the pros.
Waka waka is never optional.
So, going to ask a technical question here. When your therapist asked about your cleansing habits – was she asking if you used soap to clean your entire genital area? Or did she actually mean (and do you) use soap and…like, shoot it up in the vajayjay?? I just didn’t know if that was a “thing” in Canada . (Are you Canadian, or was that just your friend?”) I can see how the V is a self-cleaning oven, but I don’t see how that pertains to the outer landscape around it. That being said, it seems that coconut oil WOULD make things all…moisturized and shit…plus you have the nice smell and all as an extra benefit. And I’ve heard the docs in my OB/GYN clinic tell women not to use soap or scented laundry detergent if they are having problems with itching and such. And I’ve also read online about people who use ONLY coconut oil for any cleaning (face, body, etc). Maybe I’ll give it a shot.
Jana recently posted…The Candy Man
External only. Gotta say, I haven’t gone to buy it yet and I’m a little bit “don’t I have enough shit in my shower already?” but then I think it would be a good to try. She is a professional after all… PS I am Canadian, but don’t spread that around. I might lose my credibility eh!?
oh man, this is just too good. I have been there, done that!
Misty recently posted…5 things that children with sensory issues can’t handle
Glad I am not alone! But have you stared your physiotherapist in the eyes and picked up marbles yet? Classy stuff!