New Beginnings (and Steve Harvey)

New Beginnings (and Steve Harvey)

It is a new year and we are all thinking of new beginnings. I am planning to not resolve again this year with one exception–I resolve to win the lottery.

Speaking of winners, one of my favourite train wreck TV moments of 2015 had to be Steve Harvey announcing the winner (or first runner up) of the Miss Universe Pageant. If you haven’t seen it yet, here is the video but if you don’t want to watch 5 minutes, scroll to the 2:48 point when Mr Harvey says ‘I have to apologize’. Classic stuff. I mean, Miss Colombia did a 2 minute walk down the runway thinking she had won and then BAM she was blindsided just like in Survivor but with fewer bugs.

Fast forward the video to 4:08 when Mr Harvey tells Miss Philippines to take her first walk as Miss Universe and she stands there in abject horror. At 5:03 the illustrious host shows us the card which he misread. At 5:21 they strip the crown off Miss Colombia’s head and place it on Miss Philippines. It is a beautiful TV moment for sure. I know I watched it several times and cried each time. But with all great failures, there are great learnings. Here is what I learned: Steve Harvey better update his LinkedIn profile. Sure, he says he wants to do the job again, but until he gets corrective lenses, the outlook on that (excuse the pun) is doubtful.

So Steve, I took the liberty of writing you a cover letter describing your qualifications and new job suggestions. When you can get someone to read it to you, I hope it helps.

Allow me to introduce myself. I am Harv Stevey. I have been a comedian for years and appeared as host of my own talkshow, Family Feud and the Miss Universe Pageant. I have won awards, given away awards and wear suits. As such, please consider me to host this year’s Oscars. With my qualifications and the fact that no one else ever wants the job, I would be perfect. There are no films with the word “Colombia” nominated are there?

My ideal job would be something that empowers me to use my sense of judgement and my keen reading ability. I think a BINGO caller would be well suited to my talents. I certainly know the difference between an I and a G and with some coaching will get over my mixing up of the B and O. They are tricky, but I am confident.

If not BINGO then an umpire would be ideal. My quick-thinking action in the Miss Universe Pageant is a testament to how quickly I can make a decision and admit to my error. 2 minutes and 30 seconds is my record.

I am well versed in world geography and think, as such, weatherman would be a job I could excel at. I look good on a green screen and can point to the Philippines as long as it is not close to Colombia again. I have been down that road before.

I have learned a lot about the Philippines since my time on the Miss Universe Pageant and know that many of their women are working in the US as nannies. I could do that. I am good with kids and can learn my ABCs right along with the kids.

Although I took full responsibility at my last job for my mistake, I would like to clear the air. I did NOT misread that card on purpose. I have been adding ventriliquism to my resume for some time and was working on my act. Maybe it was unfortunate timing, but I am sure the Pageant producers will tell you the truth once they get their hands out of my ass. The puppet got it wrong and it wasn’t for ratings. Pinky swear. Actually, move that pinky a little to the left.

I got it! I should be a referee for the Canadian Football League. With two teams called the Roughriders, I can’t possibly get the outcome wrong. What? One of them is not called the Roughriders anymore? Well, scratch that.

If I am not able to fulfil my duties as host of the Miss Universe Pageant for the year, I would like to be considered for the Republican Nomination. I think I need something steady and a little over 4 years sounds like enough time to let this debacle wash under the bridge. If I can make a giant mistake like the Miss Universe announcement for ratings, imagine what I can do against my new rival, Donald Trump.

Oh shit, I just noticed I called myself Harv. Sorry about that, but it clearly said it right here on this card. My real name is the one in bold letters on the right. Steve. Steve Harvey is my real name.

There you go Steve. Print it out, send it and good luck on your job search.

One last piece of advice… don’t vacation in Colombia.


Comments

  1. Steve Harvey would be perfect for doing the weather. Being a weatherman is not a job where accuracy is all that important.

    And when weather people are standing in front of that green screen they’re looking at a monitor that’s actually the reverse of what’s on the screen, so they’ll see California on the right while viewers will see it on the left, and so on. I know this because there used to be a weather reporter in Indiana who’d have a few drinks before she went on and would then point to the wrong things on the map. I think Harvey could manage this brilliantly even without alcohol and the results would be comedy gold.

  2. Love it! And yes, please on the lottery win.

  3. What a shocker of a mistake! Probably not the guy you want to, say, announce the results of a national election or tell a patient how their life-or-death operation went.

  4. I think Christopher’s idea has merit. And true story– I haven’t seen the clip because just the thought of the awkwardness and awfulness of that moment makes me want to cringe inside. For everyone involved.

  5. Oh, my! I watched the whole video and it was so painful, especially knowing what was coming. How humiliating for Miss Colombia, after standing there for 2 full minutes, blowing kisses, waving and doing fist pumps. She looked very confused, but she was pretty graceful about it.

    That was awfully nice of you to help Steve Harvey with his cover letter. You’ve got some great ideas for him so I hope he sees this post. 😉

    After I watched this video, I watched a short segment of an Australian morning show where they spoke with Miss Australia about the whole debacle. She said that all the girls were just wonderful and were crowding around Miss Colombia after the show to “consolidate her” and make sure she was OK. I’m pretty sure she meant “console” but it just seemed to slide right by without notice. Wow.

    • Nobody ever remembers the first runner up–except this year. Consolidate HA! Miss Philippines had an interesting interview in the car afterwards and sat shell shocked until she said ‘Well, that was an non-traditional crowning’. I loved her instantly.

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