New Beginnings (and Steve Harvey)
It is a new year and we are all thinking of new beginnings. I am planning to not resolve again this year with one exception–I resolve to win the lottery.
Speaking of winners, one of my favourite train wreck TV moments of 2015 had to be Steve Harvey announcing the winner (or first runner up) of the Miss Universe Pageant. If you haven’t seen it yet, here is the video but if you don’t want to watch 5 minutes, scroll to the 2:48 point when Mr Harvey says ‘I have to apologize’. Classic stuff. I mean, Miss Colombia did a 2 minute walk down the runway thinking she had won and then BAM she was blindsided just like in Survivor but with fewer bugs.
Fast forward the video to 4:08 when Mr Harvey tells Miss Philippines to take her first walk as Miss Universe and she stands there in abject horror. At 5:03 the illustrious host shows us the card which he misread. At 5:21 they strip the crown off Miss Colombia’s head and place it on Miss Philippines. It is a beautiful TV moment for sure. I know I watched it several times and cried each time. But with all great failures, there are great learnings. Here is what I learned: Steve Harvey better update his LinkedIn profile. Sure, he says he wants to do the job again, but until he gets corrective lenses, the outlook on that (excuse the pun) is doubtful.
So Steve, I took the liberty of writing you a cover letter describing your qualifications and new job suggestions. When you can get someone to read it to you, I hope it helps.
Allow me to introduce myself. I am Harv Stevey. I have been a comedian for years and appeared as host of my own talkshow, Family Feud and the Miss Universe Pageant. I have won awards, given away awards and wear suits. As such, please consider me to host this year’s Oscars. With my qualifications and the fact that no one else ever wants the job, I would be perfect. There are no films with the word “Colombia” nominated are there?
My ideal job would be something that empowers me to use my sense of judgement and my keen reading ability. I think a BINGO caller would be well suited to my talents. I certainly know the difference between an I and a G and with some coaching will get over my mixing up of the B and O. They are tricky, but I am confident.
If not BINGO then an umpire would be ideal. My quick-thinking action in the Miss Universe Pageant is a testament to how quickly I can make a decision and admit to my error. 2 minutes and 30 seconds is my record.
I am well versed in world geography and think, as such, weatherman would be a job I could excel at. I look good on a green screen and can point to the Philippines as long as it is not close to Colombia again. I have been down that road before.
I have learned a lot about the Philippines since my time on the Miss Universe Pageant and know that many of their women are working in the US as nannies. I could do that. I am good with kids and can learn my ABCs right along with the kids.
Although I took full responsibility at my last job for my mistake, I would like to clear the air. I did NOT misread that card on purpose. I have been adding ventriliquism to my resume for some time and was working on my act. Maybe it was unfortunate timing, but I am sure the Pageant producers will tell you the truth once they get their hands out of my ass. The puppet got it wrong and it wasn’t for ratings. Pinky swear. Actually, move that pinky a little to the left.
I got it! I should be a referee for the Canadian Football League. With two teams called the Roughriders, I can’t possibly get the outcome wrong. What? One of them is not called the Roughriders anymore? Well, scratch that.
If I am not able to fulfil my duties as host of the Miss Universe Pageant for the year, I would like to be considered for the Republican Nomination. I think I need something steady and a little over 4 years sounds like enough time to let this debacle wash under the bridge. If I can make a giant mistake like the Miss Universe announcement for ratings, imagine what I can do against my new rival, Donald Trump.
Oh shit, I just noticed I called myself Harv. Sorry about that, but it clearly said it right here on this card. My real name is the one in bold letters on the right. Steve. Steve Harvey is my real name.
There you go Steve. Print it out, send it and good luck on your job search.
One last piece of advice… don’t vacation in Colombia.