It’s Official: Old Age is Upon Me (aka 10 Aging Tricks for Youngsters)
I found my first chin hair this morning, or should I say mourning. I am mourning my former self. The youthful, exuberant, chin-hair-free self. She was beautiful. She had her whole life ahead of her. She was yesterday.
Today is a new reality and I am turning over a new leaf. I plan to embrace my age. Damn, I am almost 50. But I am going to do it my way.
- I am going to eat earlier. Because I fucking get hungry at 4. And, while I’m at it. I love Swiss Chalet. That sauce is the nectar of the Gods! Don’t judge me.
- I am going to start slouching more in preparation for my osteoporosis. Slouching is mostly done on the couch with Netflix.
- I have been perfecting my curmudgeon for years in solitude. Now, I’m letting the beast out. You want Halloween treats kid? Go ask the neighbour and get off my lawn before I turn on the sprinklers. (Turns every light out and arms the water pistol for next rugrat while gumming Kit Kats.)
- I practiced some of my new catch phrases this
morningmourning on the family. I am in the market for more, so if you have some, send them to me by carrier pigeon or telegram because kids these days and their damn machines.- Back in my day
- Respect your elders
- Watch yourself you little whippersnapper
- Tsk, tsk, tsk
- Hush up
- Many happy returns
- I’m going to try and make up a new word each day and claim that we used to say that back in the day. The kids will never know.
- I’m looking in the classifieds for a rocking chair. Estate sales will be my first go. They are perfect for my mid-afternoon nap in front of the idiot box.
- While I’m reading the paper, I’ll check out the obits. Never know when one of my contemporaries get taken. My social calendar is going to start to fill up fast now so I must shop the thrift shops for appropriate funeral attire and pocket handkerchiefs. “He was so young!”
- Reminder: Make an appointment to have my hair set.
- Stop shaving today! My hair is just going to naturally fall out in all the places I used to shave. Now I get to pluck. So civilized. I can yell at each hair individually which totally goes with my new curmudgeoniness (new word <—-).
- I need to invest in a good birdfeeder. Birds are my friends and they are relaxing to watch between seasons. Not like autumn and winter. I mean season 1 and season 2. Today I’m watching Bloodline. Bloodline and birds.
Don’t take any wooden nickles. Now, get off my lawn! I need to feed the birds.
Bah, still hot.
Jay recently posted…Wiener Dog
But now I’m hot with the older set too. Win/Win.
Welcome to the club. Although I see you as the type who’d go bungee jumping for your 80th birthday (which is still decades away).
Yes, I know, bungee jumping is an early ’90’s thing but that’s the point. You’d be the hip oldster who brings it back, doing jumps with a coffee mug in one hand and a boom box playing Aerosmith/Run DMC’s “Walk This Way” in the other.
Christopher recently posted…Zombie Survival Guide.
I love Aerosmith! I did the bungee in the 90’s and wouldn’t do that again. I am thinking of getting inked though which was a stage I missed. Maybe a random piercing or skydiving (that last one was a joke!). There is still a lot to do, but the allure of the couch is so strong!!
That list of phrases looks good. It reminds me of a time when… (There’s another one you could use.) I think we must be about the same age, but it’s funny how the years treat us differently. A couple more hairs on my chin I could live with, fewer on my head would be a signal to begin mourning.
Bun Karyudo recently posted…Bearing the Scars (But Not Baring the Scars)
You can have my extras!