Pinterest Ruined Me

I am THAT mother. You know the one? She overdoes the birthday parties, bakes cupcakes with the class, writes funny Christmas cards that she sends to 120 people on time (no letter folks, I am not THAT mother). Her dog is always groomed, her kids are well behaved and her house is tidy (Ha, I threw that last one in to fool you. I was never that mum). Things have changed. I am not that mother any more. Not that I don’t aspire to resurrect her. She was fabulous after all. I blame Pinterest.

Sure, you would think Pinterest for THAT mom would be like Mecca. I could get new ideas on creating the perfect box lunch. I could figure out how to make a quinoa muffin with 12g of protein the kids will beg for. I could decorate my house with a flair reserved for Martha. I could fold a fitted sheet. I could embrace glitter. I could share my wonderful stories of parties and baking, crafts and surprises. But the thing is, those other mothers outdid me and I backed away like a penis in the cold. I turtled like a turd not quite ready to splash. I balked.

So this is the final hurrah for the Pinterest Mum I used to be. Rest In Pinterest.

The cakes from left to right:

These are some of the masterpieces I have created over the years. No more!

The sleepover, Pirates of the Caribbean, Thomas the Train, Amazing Race (egg free cake), Knights of the Round Table, Star Wars light sabre, My Little Pony, Bob the Builder, a half pipe, Indiana Jones swinging over the snake pit and Dora the Explorer. Handmade by yours truly. All yummy. Notice though that none are perfect. I can’t compete anymore… besides, my kids like the cakes from the local bakery better. I concede.

Finally, I am Resting in Pinterest the funny crap I put together for parties:

• For the Amazing Race party the girls waded through a tub of cooked spaghetti to find a key. They were in teams of two with an adult and raced around the neighbourhood doing roadblocks and detours. Best party ever!
• My Little Pony party I made hobby horses for each of the guests for a lootbag. Our kids still play with them 12 years later.
• Knights of the Round Table party we had to have a working drawbridge, each kid made their own helmet and had a tunic with a personal crest on it I made. I also dressed up Mister as a dragon and the kids had to sleigh him in the castle with foam swords.
• My husband as Darth and my daughter’s Princess Leia hair as she fights the Dark Lord with light sabres (I did fight training upstairs) in the Jedi robes I sewed for each of the kids.
• Yes, we even had a shopping party and a Hannah Montana spa party involving Karaoke.
• Other crazy over-the-top party ideas included each kid at the Indiana Jones party got a satchel with Indiana (insert name here) on it. Our basement was covered in snakes, the laundry room floor had letters and they had to spell the birthday boy’s name by jumping on them.
• I made 10 tiny little Barbie dresses in plain pink and the kids used fabric paint to ‘make their own creation’. We had a fashion show when the moms arrived.
• The Dora party I sewed ‘Backpacks’ for each of the lootbags. I should be certified!

Although these might be pin-able. I don’t want to do this to another mother. These were stupid ideas and I must have had too much time on my hands. Who does this? Crazy Pinterest Moms, that’s who. I may be cray-cray, but I ain’t no crazy Pinterest Mom!

You can follow me on Pinterest here.