Proof My Parents Tried to Off Me

parents tried to off me

I am pretty sure anyone past 30 had parents who maybe didn’t try to off them, but certainly didn’t helicopter parent. How did we survive?! I am sure we all have horrible tales of how our parents ignored us, we made really bad decisions and then lived to tell the tale. Here are the ones that come to mind immediately. The rest will be found through regression analysis only.

There was a creek running behind our house. Sometimes it was exceptionally dangerous. In fact kids from our street drowned in that creek. We were still allowed to play there unsupervised without even telling anyone where we were.

I was allowed to collect bottle caps I found on the street (mostly beer) and flatten them with a hammer and drive a hole in them with a nail. I was never asked to wash my hands before dinner and never asked where I found the caps (mostly at a fun teenage drinking spot I found near the aforementioned creek).

I was allowed to canvass door to door with a friend for the Humane Society when I was about 11. I feared for my virginity when an older man asked us into his house for tea guiding us in the door and locking it behind us. By older, I mean, maybe 40. He creeped us both out and was the last house we went to leaving without the donation. We let ourselves out and never told anyone.

We had full access to the Flintstone ‘Candy’/vitamins. No one took notice when a bottle would be done in a week.

They made me brush my teeth with baking soda. That has to be bad for you. Wait, I think I did that to my own kids. Scratch that one.

They never did buy me those Pepsi shoes I wanted (and everyone else had!) and they let me wear this hat everywhere. I could have been killed!

Lack of seatbelt usage, putting me on a plane alone with my baby brother, letting me walk to school on my own in kindergarten, never a helmet worn and letting me learn to drive in a Suburban. Since no one can call child custody at this time, I feel that I can safely talk about this but the scars refuse to heal.

Maybe that is why I electrocuted* my brother without caring. I knew that water and electricity didn’t mix, but he was too young to know/remember (and, truthfully, a boy, so probably didn’t care). When I asked him to plug in the pinball machine by the pool after just getting out of said pool, the answer was ‘yes’. Then he proceeded to scream and run around like a live chicken at KFC even jumping in the pool to presumably cool off.

I had a record pinball game.

* Before you call anyone, he survived.


Comments

  1. […] service announcement then: don’t use the internet in the pool. Do you remember that time I tried to kill my brother? Electricity and water don’t mix. It’s a real thing not just an ad you had to suffer […]

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