I can take a lot before I get judgey, but ladies, if you have hairy armpits, I’m straight there. I don’t mean the between waxing kind of hair or the, “Screw it, it’s winter,” kind of hairy armpits. I mean the type that have never been touched. Densely matted, ‘I’m sure it is hard to keep your arms at your side’ kind of hair.
This week in yoga, there were four such specimens in my general vicinity. I know I should expect this at yoga, and I do, but I also know that I am unable to appreciate yoga when all I can do is judge you. Wear sleeves, honey, so I can be zen just for the hour, please.
I looked into the history of why women shave because, presumably, it was not always the case. I was shocked to discover that it was essentially a marketing campaign seen in Harper’s Bazaar in 1915 that identified the need to remove objectionable hair. That’s right, a marketing ploy has crippled women and left them susceptible to judgement by fellow yoga goers and the like (who would judge another woman for her follicle choice? Bitch).
In my research to find the truth, I was dismayed to discover this Instagram account completely dedicated to the lady pits of despair pitangels. I could not bring myself to follow them, but I did look to try and become enlightened/desensitized. It did not work. I just got mad and judgey. Sorry ladies, I agree with ‘the man’ on this one.
I should be mad that the men marketing depilatories have made my life more cumbersome. I should, but I am not. Bring me to your leader. I will be happy to give you money to rid me of the plague of unwanted thatch. Tame my pelt to show my smooth skin. Wait… Smooth? That might be a problem because the moisturizer industry did not put an ad in Harper’s Bazaar so it needs to catch up. OK, show off my scaly, white, winter dermis. It is sexy as hell and itchy as a middle schooler’s hair after summer camp but, I won’t be ridiculed in my summer frock or on my yoga mat.
This whole rant reminds me of how Mother’s day was created by Hallmark and now if you don’t shower your mother with affection, you are left susceptible to judgement and being labelled the least favourite as your sibling outdoes you with a sentimental personalized gift (let this be a warning to both my brothers, game on!). In both cases, without conformity, you will be left smelling badly in a dark place until you comply.
I will stand in the light. In bright light, so I don’t miss a patch, but light nonetheless. Now I need to manufacture my own marketing campaign. This one is directed at husbands and it is a ‘let your wife sleep in already’ crusade.
Men, do you want your wife to retain her youthful good looks? How about being more willing to forgive? Use this gentle and effective method we call ‘Do Not Disturb.’ Our test subjects found this DIY technique most effective in the mornings but have had tremendous results throughout the day. The best news is that for the cost of air, you too can enjoy the benefits of Do Not Disturb. Here’s what men are saying: “I didn’t realize that by leaving my wife alone she was nicer. What a game changer!”
Maybe these women with their shaggy pits have already figured the secret out? Maybe the men who peddle the razors and the depilatories will, in fact, leave women alone if they don’t comply. Is the secret to the Do Not Disturb actually pitangels? Here I am
standing downward doggying in judgement when it might be better to tree pose in solidarity.
Yeah. I think I’ll stick to my judgement pose. It is easily applied and has been used by women of refinement for generations. Hall & Ruckel can’t be wrong.
PS: I’m sorry if the above image is ruining your appetite or not letting you stay zen. You know how much I like to share.