Are you going to finish that? Subway Etiquette 101
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I have the great fortune to live in a city that not only has a mayor who does crack/has street cred, but has a great transit system. Bonus, it only takes 5 minutes to walk to the subway from my house. Love the T.dot.
Now, because I work (ha) from home, I don’t often get the privilege to use the subway. This week I was meeting my husband at the TIFF for a midday movie to celebrate our 19th anniversary – shout out to Mister! When I go downtown, I use the subway. When I use the subway, I observe (see the irony when you get to # 12)
- The escalator is a ride best ridden with one hand on both handrails.
- It is best if you don’t wear deodorant, but instead coat yourself in a generous amount of cheap cologne so that your friends can find out what car you are on.
- No eye contact. Eye contact means that you are interested in testing the emergency response system by being pushed in front of the subway car.
- If you have bags in a crowded car it is best to rest them on an open seat so as not to hit someone’s legs with them.
- Sleeping is optional but using the stranger who sat beside you as a pillow is not.
- Not everyone understands what ‘subway hands’ are. Subway riders should not pull out the Purell for fear that they may offend the passanger beside them that just sneezed without using their sleeve and then started biting their fingernails.
- Groping is on.
- Everyone on the subway loves your choice in music and your vocal accompaniment is especially welcomed.
- Always order the veggie, no cheese with everything and honey-mustard sauce. Sorry, wrong Subway.
- That brings me to food… we all love the smell of curry in a confined space that already has the competing B.O and perfume odour going for it. Ditto for garlic.
- Litter is good because the next rider is likely to need your newspaper and your McDonald’s bag. You never know when someone will need that extra ketchup pack or the other corner of that napkin while reading the obits.
- It is best to be unobservant on the subway. That way you can ignore the pregnant lady, small child or elderly person from the comfort of your seat.
Ride safe. You. Are. Welcome.