The Dead Series: That Time the Neighbour Tried to Kill Me

The Dead Series: That Time the Neighbour Tried to Kill Me

I thought it would be apropos on this of all Hallows’ Eve to tell you my first brush with death in my Dead Series.

I recently confessed to my less-than-cool childhood, I wanted to make another confession–one I only told my father about recently. My neighbour tried to kill me when I was about 9.

Picture it, we were in Thunder Bay in the dead of summer. All my friends were at sleep-away camp or their cottage and I was playing in the street by myself probably collecting rocks or counting rocks or crying. That is when I saw him. Let’s call him John. He was approaching me with his friend, let’s call him John-boy. They were one and two years older than me respectively and they were walking down our cul-de-sac toward me. John and John-boy did not like me. I knew that. They would throw things at me. Spit at me. Laugh at me.

But I am a pleaser and, apparently, as gullible as Forrest Gump.

John and John-boy noticed I was alone and took the opportunity to ask me to John’s house to play. He had a swing set in the backyard so the answer was ‘hell yes!’. Actually, it was probably ‘Me? Really?! Sure!!’. Note to self–add idiot to my LinkedIn profile.

We walked down the street together after not informing anyone that I was about to embark on enemy territory. Just as we approached the house, they wanted to play hide and seek. I was to be blindfolded and they were going to put me in the ”it” spot. Sure!! My God folks, how have I made it through life this far?

As they were forcibly guiding me, blindfolded, into the backyard, one of them (I suspect it was one of the Johns) started pushing my head down. That is when I did the move that would save my life. It is the same move I used when we were playing pin the tail on the donkey at every birthday party because winning was a must. I did a squint so hard it moved the blindfold and I was able to see my fate.

The Johns had strung up a butcher knife under a card table at the ‘it’ spot pointing straight down to where they were guiding me. I managed to shrug away and run back to my house before they caught me. Seriously, I can’t remember ever being supervised as a kid and clearly the Johns were on their own too.

What did I learn from this little fright night you wonder?

  • Kristine, you must have learned to trust people only after they have proven themselves? Nope.
  • Surely you learned to not go into the unknown with people who are not your friends? Nopedy Nope.
  • Last chance. Please tell me that you learned to never be blindfolded by anyone who wasn’t carrying a little blue box and roses? Ha! Nope.

A lifetime of death cheating began that day and I learned that I am just going to have to take each situation as it comes. Shrug it off and run is aways a good policy (unless I have broken a foot or something).

Should I thank the Johns for their contribution to the Dead Series? Sure. But they don’t have full internet access in jail*, so it might fall on deaf ears.

*I don’t know if he is still in jail but John did spend lots of time in Juvie and John-Boy made it to big-boy jail for trafficking at one point. We had some real life bad asses in our bucolic neighbourhood.


  1. So glad you lived to tell and to go on to have more brushes with death. I wonder what would’ve happened if you had told someone.

    • I know?! I imagined that his parents would have been told, he would have denied it, they would have believed him and he would come after me for finking. That’s why I stayed silent. Turns out he got what he deserved and I got you guys–I win twice!

  2. Good lord, Kristine! The butcher knife was strung up underneath the card table and they were pushing your head down to try and guide you underneath the table? That is messed up! Do you think that this was pre-planned for you or were they planning something else and then came upon you instead? Thank goodness for your patented squint and sprint move.

    There were some bad seeds in my neighborhood growing up too, but I had an older brother who was super tall and muscled. He never hurt anyone, but people were afraid of him because of his size and strength. Actually he did once slam this popular jock up against the wall in high school and threaten him because he’d stolen my sister’s physics notes right before an exam. I was pretty much left alone once people learned who my brother was. I’m sorry you were so vulnerable to these creeps.

    • Pre-planned for me. Definitely messed up!
      I am not sorry. Every experience shapes who you are. I could still be rock collecting instead of hanging with you cool cats had it not happened. I got the last laugh and I passed it on to you 🙂

  3. Oh lord Kristine, we must be made out of the same stuff. This sounds like something that would have happened to me in childhood. The only thing that probably saved me is that I spent so much time inside the house reading. Thank God you lived to tell the tale! How sad would a Kristine-free world be?
    Gina W. recently posted…The Jimmy Durante Condom PonyMy Profile

  4. Oh gawd, I strongly suspect the Johns were my ex and his brother (they were/are from Thunderbay, and would be a few years older than you). On behalf of that fucked up family, I should apologize to you…I do have half of their genes in my oldest three children. So sorry.
    Sandra recently posted…I See Dead PeopleMy Profile

    • I doubt that the Johns had anything to do with you… These boys were unlovable (they weren’t brothers just asshole friends). How did you get mixed up for so long with such a fucked up family?! Someone as sweet as you clearly deserves better and I am glad he is your ex. Your kids will be fine as long as they have you to keep them away from knives and gullible girls.

  5. Holy mackerel. You had Leopold and Loeb in your neighborhood. What’s even scarier is that seems to be typical. Every neighborhood has at least one.
    And don’t be too hard on yourself for collecting rocks. They make excellent weapons. And anyone who says geology isn’t cool is full of schist.

    Yeah, I know, I’m a big geek for making that joke.
    Christopher recently posted…Rule Bender.My Profile

  6. […] chose the following because they made me laugh. Lots made me laugh including the Dead Series and my Emergency Room shenanigans but these posts were my […]

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