The Vagina-Logues: Insert 2

The Vagina-Logues: Insert 2

I pee a little when I sneeze, jump, run or watch action movies so I have been going to a pelvic floor therapist (is that what the cool kids call TMI?). So far, less dribble and more dancing so I have been happy. I am not done yet and recently went back to my tuna taco therapist for a second insertion session and another blog entry into the vagina-logues. Here is the update in case you wanted to follow along. If you didn’t want to follow along but know that I will amuse you anyway with at least 7 vagina euphemisms, keep reading.

  1. I no longer pick up marbles with my anus. Now I am leaving my anus alone and concentrating on my fur burger.
  2. I have three exercises to do to straighten out my hips because I am crooked. I forgot all three exercises immediately because my brain is crooked too.
  3. On my second appointment my lady passage was introduced to two fingers. I am excited to find out what happens on my sixth appointment. Is it a bring a friend date or will she introduce me to lefty? Something to look forward to.
  4. I have to pick up my ping pong ball with my poon in order to stand up from a chair or lift an object. I am going to plan a trip to Thailand. Cull from that what you will.
  5. As I have started cleansing with coconut oil, my macaroon muff has never smelled more tropical. Now I am to add blueberries. As I exhale I am to imagine picking up a blueberry and gently bring it up my sausage tunnel. Maybe I will leave the sausage out though.

There you have it. If you read this through your hand with a wince, you can relax now the beaver portion of this programme has been concluded. So put that in your ham wallet and smoke it. Just one more as a bonus: Pink Canoe. I really do have a gift.

* That image is supposed to be a bearded clam. Just go back to squinting and turn your head a little to the left and you will see the magic.


Comments

  1. As a matter of fact I have been wondering how your vag physio was going, so thanks for the update. The TMI is one of the many things that makes you such a cool kid. (I’ve always thought of you as a cool kid, by the way, but I’m glad you got the confirmation you needed.) I’m confused about the blueberries…are you supposed to just imagine sucking one up your love tunnel or are you to incorporate it into your hygiene routine? I’m really glad that your taco is smelling less like seafood (because that’s just disgusting) and more like a tropical paradise.

  2. You know what this post needs? Photos. Detailed photos. I can imagine a fur burger but actually SEEING one pick up a blueberry or ping pong or ANY round object would be awesome. And then we’ll save that photo to use at your funeral (50 plus years from now) because it’s become popular to have memory boards full of photos next to the casket. This photo will be prominently displayed in the center of the collage, obviously.
    Gina W. recently posted…My new children’s book “Stompy the Goddamn Troll”My Profile

  3. Between the coconut oil and blueberries it sounds like the next thing is going to be flour and just add a yeast infection which I understand can get things pretty warm and you’ll be baking a cake between your meat curtains.

    And with that I think I just violated every rule of courtesy and good taste so I’ll be going now.
    Christopher recently posted…Terror At Twenty Feet.My Profile

  4. Well I don’t have an appointment with a vag therapist, but I must say reading your post inspired me to work on those kegel exercises. I’m doing them right now! TMI! TMI! TMI! Come on everybody, chant it!
    kdcol recently posted…What his baby wants, his baby getsMy Profile

  5. Oof, I hope the poor girl gets a nice long rest after all that exercise! But is she secretly making milkshakes in there?
    Jay recently posted…Tips for Surviving Horror Movies if You’re A Chickenshit Like MeMy Profile

  6. The first thing I did after reading this post was beetling on down to the comments to see what Christopher would have to add. As per usual, he did not disappoint. Nor did you. This was hilarious. I work nights, and I do most of my blog reading in the middle of the night. The other nurses are all barely hanging on and begging for daylight, and I’m sitting here giggling. I love you.
    Sandra recently posted…The Bipolarity of Being BipolarMy Profile

  7. Is it wrong to laugh at this post? Although no, I did not wince, not even a little… Didn’t know that this kind of appointment exists but then again the world is full of mystery, right? I’ll send this to my wife and see her reaction. Haha!

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