Why Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story Is The Greatest Movie of All Time
According to Ranker, the top ten movies of all time, as voted on by their viewership, are The Godfather, Casablanca, Schindler’s List, Star Wars, The Godfather Part II, Pulp Fiction, Forrest Gump, Citizen Kate, Titanic, and Shawshank Redemption. I have seen all these movies, and they are lovely motion pictures, all of them, but I find it hard to believe that any of them are the Greatest of All Time. Come on. That is a big title, and Dodgeball met the challenge and won the war. Let me prove it.
Beginning with the plot, Godfather has an ageing patriarch extending control to a reluctant son. Dodgeball has that. The ageing patriarch is Patches O’Houlihan, and the reluctant heir is Peter La Fleur, and the business is Dodgeball. It took 6 hours and 22 minutes for the plot of Godfather to play out over two movies. Dodgeball got there in 1 hour and 42 minutes. Economize your plot points, gentlemen.
As for romance, Casablanca had forbidden love, but Dodgeball has forbidden love between opposing team members, young love thwarted and found, bisexual love, and even the taboo love of pizza. That is range.
Schindler saved the lives of marginalized people by employing them to keep them safe. Bravo Schindler. Peter La Fleur takes the outcasts of society and gives them a purpose to save them from a meaningless existence. They go to Average Joes Gymnasium to escape the world of hatred and oppression. Where else can someone who thinks they are a pirate feel welcomed? Bravo Peter.
Rebels are bound to destroy the Empire in Star Wars. Revenge, anger, a secret hidden in the droid. This is the stuff of great filmmaking. Globo Gym is bound to destroy Average Joes. Retaliation for the corporation over the little guy, anger at the bank’s foreclosure, and a secret talent hidden in the accountant. Same/same, but Dodgeball didn’t need nine movies to make the point.
As for the violence and redemption of Pulp Fiction, what can be more violent then throwing wrenches at unsuspecting geeks? How about redeeming yourself to learn from that experience and winning the Championship? Sorry for the spoiler. There was also that awkward dip, duck and dive on the dodgeball court wearing S&M leather. Sorry John and Uma, but that is what some might call checkmate.
Dodgeball has Gordon. A naive, slow-witted, good-hearted hero. He may not have Forrest’s box of chocolates, but he does save the day with his copy of the Obscure Sports Quarterly. Wait ’till you see what you get when you open that cover.
There is no burning sled in Dodgeball, but there is a rise to power from the poor upbringings. White Goodman, Dodgeball’s antagonist, was a lonely boy who grew up to be an isolated needy man who surrounded himself with yes-men. He was taken down by his own making, namely a hotdog and fried chicken. We don’t know what his last word will be, but we suspect it will be ‘Milkshake.’
Kate Veach, a lawyer in Dodgeball, Peter La Fleur, the poor business owner under foreclosure, stand together on the deck of the Dodgeball championship, declaring they are king of the world by saying, “I am bisexual.” Now, that is taking the world by storm.
Befriending an unlikely cast of characters to escape his world is Andy Dufresne’s strategy in Shawshank. In Dodgeball, Peter solicits a crazy urine-drinking sadist, an unsuccessful romantic, and a male high school cheerleader to help himself get out of his financial cell. No rock hammer required.
In summary, Dodgeball has the plot of The Godfather movies; the romance of Casablanca; the underdog rescue of Schindler’s List; the good guys ending of Star Wars; the redemption of Pulp Fiction; the slow-witted hero of Forrest Gump; the rise to power of Citizen Kane; the romance over class divides of Titanic; and the personable protagonist of Shawshank Redemption. It has it all.
But there’s more! Dodgeball also has sports, comedy, fat-shaming, recovering from sexual harassment, sudden death, celebrity cameos, a full Karate Kid blindfold moment, and the witty banter of no other movie on earth. Lines such as “You had me at blood and semen,” “If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball,” and my personal favourite, “You’re as useful as a cock flavoured lollipop.” Make this epic film, one you will never forget. I know my mother hasn’t.
Do yourself a favour, Go Balls Deep and watch Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story today. As Lance Armstrong says in the movie, “I guess if a person never quit when the going got tough, they wouldn’t have anything to regret for the rest of their life.” Don’t quit looking for this movie — you won’t regret it.