Wine. An Evil force requiring spider-webbing.

imageAfter one glass of wine, the day seems better, dinner is lovelier and you want another glass.

After two glasses of wine, you feel happy and ready for a third.

After three glasses of wine you start to think ‘maybe I should stop there?’ but you power through anyway just to be social and because it is yummy.

After four glasses, you realize you have consumed an entire bottle of wine in one sitting and feel shame. Nothing another glass of wine wouldn’t change. “Maybe I should eat something?” There’s that unreliable little voice in my head again…

After five glasses, your voice changes and you start talking in an insane volume reserved for trips to a water park or when your ears haven’t popped after a plane ride. You will only talk when others are talking.

After six, slurring seems normal and ‘I love you man’ becomes part of every conversation.

After about seven glasses of wine you feel the need to talk about superheroes. You compare your favourites with your wine mates. Superman is the right answer – always! Although, that is a good point about Spider-Man. Those sticky fingers would make parenting easier… And the climbing up walls would really suit me.

After eight glasses of wine you want everyone to quit their jobs and go into business with you, but first you must: eat something, turn on the TV, take a little cat nap on the couch, wake up the next morning, on the couch, sore neck and crumbs on the floor, red wine stain on the front of your shirt and pants from glass nine (empty and still in hand). What business were we going to start again? Now you don’t feel like quitting, although you may feel like calling in, and you are somehow insanely thirsty and angry at the kids for waking up.

Wine is evil. If only I had super powers, I would kick its butt. If I were Spider-Man, I would encase that bottle in my pretty, glassy web making it decorative but undrinkable. Superman would just smash it or throw it away. Spider-Man is the new right answer. Maybe the wine gave me clarity of thought after all?

Does any of this sound familiar?

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