Woman Discovers Source of Possible Epidemic in her Home
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Suburban Cincinnati* – According to our source, wishing to remain anonymous, an area woman returned home from her tennis match to discover a strange phenomenon in her bedroom.
“These grey balls of what looked like threads and protein powder were just rolling around and getting caught in the corners,” the source began. “It was like tumbleweeds in the middle of Cincinnati! I don’t live in the country and never expected anything like this. Let alone in my home,” stated the woman as she nervously eyed the corners. “Do you think it could be contagious?” she continued with apparent unease.
“Please don’t tell the neighbours,” were her parting words. When we left the scene, the woman was running around in the sunlight and swiping at the air hysterically while covering her face with a Chanel scarf. She kept yelling out “anthrax.” We were lucky to get out in time.
We spoke to several women in this otherwise bucolic neighborhood. Most of the inhabitants did not want to be mentioned in this article but had found similar strange balls and air anthrax and seemed to be coping by turning the lights out and opening a bottle of wine while leaving cryptic messages on their Facebook feeds and viewing YouTube videos on scarf wrapping.
We found one woman who answered the door and was willing to speak to this reporter. Mrs. Mikolajczak, it appears, is the cleaning lady for several of the women on the street and is familiar with the ground zero home. It seems she had taken ill last week and was unable to attend to her duties. “Those crazy ladies just don’t know how much filth they produce,” Mrs. Mikolajczak said shaking her head and wiping her hands on an apron that said, “I am the help,” apparently a gift from her employer.
She closed the door when we heard another woman from upstairs scream “Rosita! Bring me some Fiji water,” at which Mrs. Mikolajczak rolled her eyes and excused herself. At press time, this reporter was unable to determine what Mrs. Mikolajczak meant by her comment. We can only assume that her illness created this epidemic, and the filth she spoke of was the cause. It was unclear where the air anthrax fell into this story.
The investigation into the odd indoor tumbleweed pandemic continues. For now, if you see this phenomenon in your home, call the Centre for Disease Control and go to The Club for moral support.
*This is another rejected satire. I have just made a satire category in case this happens again. But it won’t. Right?
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