The Creepy Uncle

Maybe (I hope) this is something that doesn’t happen anymore. Maybe it was only me. Maybe it was all a bad dream.

I have run into my fair share of creeps over the years. There was that guy who led my girlfriend and I into his house while we were canvassing for the Humane Society when we were 11. There was the teacher in 6th grade who came over and unbuttoned the top two buttons of my blouse and told me to ‘loosen up’. There was the custodian at our elementary school who liked to give kids the birthday bump on their special day by slapping their ass when they went down the hall.

Please tell all these men are locked up?

I was wondering if we all had a creepy uncle though. A friend ‘uncle’ of our father who hadn’t figured out that they were being creepy. Mine was Uncle Sleep Drink. As the name suggests, every time Uncle Sleep Drink (USD) was in town, that is pretty much all he did.

We did travel to Florida with him once. He felt it was a game (and everyone was playing along) to try and kiss me.

I was not a willing participant. I had to look over my shoulder at every turn to ensure that USD was not creeping up on me to give me a kiss. Every time my dad had his camera at the ready, I assumed USD was there to pucker and pounce. I spent my whole holiday on pins and needles until… I was in a really good mood after coming off my first loop-de-loop roller coaster and I came back to ask my dad if I could go again. In my exuberance I did not notice the camera or USD. He planted one on me and the look of abject horror went something like this:

 

To be clear USD was a really nice guy who was not a child molester. He was a joker. When he woke up in our house from one of his sleep drink nights, he was always nice and perfectly uncle-like and respectable and not creepy at all. He liked to put on a show because I think the freaking out made him laugh and I don’t think he knew I was an unwilling participant because, of course, you wouldn’t talk to an adult like ‘I don’t like this game. It makes me uncomfortable’. That is exactly when the game amps up and you are terrorized at all times.

Times are changing. Creeps are kept at bay and on lists. Parents are more aware. Do you think we are more aware though because we had to fend for ourselves? If our kids are sheltered from the creeps, does that mean they won’t recognize them? It’s a worry.

Our children both recently confirmed the existence of a creepy guy. I knew he was a creep. I asked the kids and they emphatically said he gives them the creeps. They knew to stay away. They knew that they could come to us if it was uncomfortable. They haven’t heard of the birthday bump or had an ‘uncle’ try to kiss them. If that happens, you wanna bet I will be out there, not with my camera, but with my horror face to scare that creep away and maybe a few harsh words.