Rage Cleaning 101
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For the last six years the phrase “I like coffee, sleep, reality TV, Netflix and having a cleaning lady,” has appeared on the right-hand side of this page. Cue Covid-19. I am now the cleaning lady. It is not going well.
There are lots of reasons to dislike the virus that is killing people indiscriminately.
- It kills people.
- We have to stay at home.
- We can’t have toilet paper in our shopping cart without being judged.
- There is no escape from our families.
- We’ve had to learn Zoom. Old-dog, new tricks folks. It’s asking a lot.
- I can’t have my cleaning lady!
I get it. White world problem. I am white, and this is the biggest problem I have right now because I’m not fucking leaving the house. I have had a cleaning lady for the last 22 years. We call her our marriage saver for a reason. I don’t like to clean and I’m not particularly good at it.
I have had to remember how to dust, wash floors, clean showers and toilets among other things. Look, I have done all those things over the last 22 years, but I have had a lovely reprieve for most of that time. When I am forced to do any of these chores, it is with a large dose of anger, sighing, and swearing and is done with only marginal success to prove, definitively, that we need a cleaning lady.
What does rage cleaning look like?
Mostly it means violently cleaning. Bashing the floorboards with the mop is a good start. Swearing when you wring out the mop. Gagging when you come across enough hair in the bathroom to make a cat, then raging at the people in your house for leaving their hair for you to pick up.
I asked for an ‘I love laundry’ shirt for Mother’s Day because I thought that if I was at least wearing the part, I could try. I didn’t get the shirt and I rage laundry’d about it–throwing dirty laundry into the machine and slamming the door shut is particularly helpful. Throwing the clean clothes into the dryer and slamming that shut helps too. The best rage laundry though is throwing the balled-up socks at the wall because no one can bother to unball them before putting them in the laundry. Neanderthals. The sock throwing really works the arm and gives your back a rest. Its therapy is second only to throwing the covers off the bed and stomping so everyone in the house can hear.
Mostly rage cleaning involves swearing and slamming into things. I haven’t broken anything yet, except my will to live, so I think that’s a win.
Stay safe and for the sake of your family*, lower your cleanliness standards. <3
*That one is for you Mister. You married me knowing I had to push the crap out of the way to see the carpet in my bedroom, what did you expect? Save yourself!