Rage Cleaning 101

Rage Cleaning 101

For the last six years the phrase “I like coffee, sleep, reality TV, Netflix and having a cleaning lady,” has appeared on the right-hand side of this page. Cue Covid-19. I am now the cleaning lady. It is not going well.

There are lots of reasons to dislike the virus that is killing people indiscriminately.

  1. It kills people.
  2. We have to stay at home.
  3. We can’t have toilet paper in our shopping cart without being judged.
  4. There is no escape from our families.
  5. We’ve had to learn Zoom. Old-dog, new tricks folks. It’s asking a lot.
  6. I can’t have my cleaning lady!

I get it. White world problem. I am white, and this is the biggest problem I have right now because I’m not fucking leaving the house. I have had a cleaning lady for the last 22 years. We call her our marriage saver for a reason. I don’t like to clean and I’m not particularly good at it.

I have had to remember how to dust, wash floors, clean showers and toilets among other things. Look, I have done all those things over the last 22 years, but I have had a lovely reprieve for most of that time. When I am forced to do any of these chores, it is with a large dose of anger, sighing, and swearing and is done with only marginal success to prove, definitively, that we need a cleaning lady.

What does rage cleaning look like?

Mostly it means violently cleaning. Bashing the floorboards with the mop is a good start. Swearing when you wring out the mop. Gagging when you come across enough hair in the bathroom to make a cat, then raging at the people in your house for leaving their hair for you to pick up.

I asked for an ‘I love laundry’ shirt for Mother’s Day because I thought that if I was at least wearing the part, I could try. I didn’t get the shirt and I rage laundry’d about it–throwing dirty laundry into the machine and slamming the door shut is particularly helpful. Throwing the clean clothes into the dryer and slamming that shut helps too. The best rage laundry though is throwing the balled-up socks at the wall because no one can bother to unball them before putting them in the laundry. Neanderthals. The sock throwing really works the arm and gives your back a rest. Its therapy is second only to throwing the covers off the bed and stomping so everyone in the house can hear.

Mostly rage cleaning involves swearing and slamming into things. I haven’t broken anything yet, except my will to live, so I think that’s a win.

Stay safe and for the sake of your family*, lower your cleanliness standards. <3

*That one is for you Mister. You married me knowing I had to push the crap out of the way to see the carpet in my bedroom, what did you expect? Save yourself!


Comments

  1. At least you have a reason to do the cleaning (although I have no understanding why the rest of the family can’t do a chore or two) – My place is a sty due to the fact that my honey doesn’t ‘see’ dirt. I’ve spent the last 50 years cleaning up after him until I no longer did. We don’t have friends over because – well – dirt. The kitchen is clean and the bathroom is clean. The sheets get changed and I do the laundry once a week. But that’s pretty much it. Unless something crunches under my feet, I ignore the floors and draw in the dust. My cat takes care of much of that anyway – although she contributes to the dust bunnies to a great extent. As much as I’d love a cleaning lady (or man), I think I’d be too embarrassed to have one over until I did a thorough cleaning first! And that would nullify the whole point.

    • Oh, my family are doing chores. Two kids in school, one kid working, Mister working full time. It doesn’t matter that I am also in school (more on that another time) and trying to do my writing… the big stuff is still on me. Today I’m weeding, which I would normally enjoy, but today I will be rage weeding and call it therapy.
      (I’d rather my husband not see the dirt… count your blessings!)

  2. But when the crap on the carpet was pushed aside, you found Jimmy Hoffa. That was a win!

  3. I think the whole cleaning thing is overrated. Allowing a certain amount of messiness promotes creativity, and, boy, can I be creative.
    There is something enjoyable about laundry, though, especially in the winter when the laundry comes out of the dryer all nice and warm, and you just build a big pile of it in the middle of the floor and roll around in it.
    Christopher recently posted…Green Man.My Profile

  4. So we lost our cleaning lady too. What did we do about it? Sold the house and moved into an RV. A lot less area to clean.
    Arionis recently posted…Into Every RV’ers Life A Little 💩 Must FallMy Profile

  5. Picking up other people’s hair is extremely frustating and I am also getting a lot of it during COVID-19. I can’t ignore the dirt and when people don’t put things on place and thats when I become the raging lady.
    Chard Kim recently posted…Best 20 Cheap Bungee Chairs of 2020 – For More Fun and RelaxationMy Profile

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