The Dead Series: The Day I Was Almost Asphyxiated by a Lion
I recently brought the kids to the Bowmanville Zoo where they had a lion cub encounter. We got to spend 30 minutes snuggling a very sleepy lion cub… but don’t let that fool you. I was always in danger! Shortly after these pictures were taken the cub turned around and got mad at my antics and the trainer had to step in. Besides, my throat could have constricted on its own and asphyxiated me with the imminent allergic reaction! But I still got the photos because I love you guys.
So what did I learn from this death-defying experience? I can never own a lion for four reasons:
1. I appear to be allergic to lions. I broke out in hives while shooting these photos.
2. I would have to feed them horse meat. I am allergic to horses. Ergo, I am allergic to feeding horse meat to lions.
3. They don’t like it when you make weird selfie faces and pretend to bite their heads. So, basically, they are no fun.
4. They turn out to be vicious and ferocious just after you create a bond and want them to play Switzerland and sleep in the neutral zone on your bed. Or so I am told.
Geez! Was that lion cub just sleepy or tranquilized? Not one picture of claws or teeth. Fortunately. Or did you edit those out!?!?!
Just sleepy. They sleep a ridiculous amount of hours in the day because they are growing so fast. He did bare his teeth at me when he got tired of being manhandled and that is when the trainer stepped in and I took a Benadryl.
I guess (for me) it wold have been a toss-up between the Benedryl and a fist full of Xanax!
That might have been a better call.
How many “encounters” does that lion cub have a day? No wonder it’s tired and irritable.
You really almost died twice that day. A common side effect Benadryl is drowsiness, so it’s really a wonder that you didn’t fall asleep at the wheel on the way home and have a fatal car accident. How are you still alive?!
I did have to have a giant diet coke to keep me awake and near death has a tendency to wake you up. But as an overall thought… I don’t know how I am still alive. When I catalogue all my close encounters (see what I did there?), I have had more than my share. I never really thought of it until I started writing them down so I could possibly be a superhero and the lion was threatened. That is the only explanation left.
(PS: two lion cubs both rejected by their mother and they do 3 hours a day each I think)
You make the same face holding a lion as I make holding a sting ray!
Good thing you didn’t fling yours away!
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Holding a sting ray… sounds like a good story.
I wonder if I am also allergic to lions since I have a cat allergy. I have a feeling I’ll never find out though. Cute pics! The near death experience was so worth it! 🙂
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Worth it for your readers anyway.
kdcol recently posted…Only in my dreams
Thanks!
He was really cute and surprisingly heavy. Here’s hoping you only ever find out about being allergic to lions if you get to snuggle a baby well away from the protection of his momma!
I’m impressed. Seriously. Lions scare the shit out of me. I once got a chance to have my picture taken with a boa constrictor and the woman who took the picture then turned the lights out because it was a funky old instant camera. She left me there in the dark with a boa constrictor that weighed almost as much as I did draped over my shoulders.
Didn’t bother me.
Handling a lion cub? Now that’s scary. Those things bite.
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OK, but that boa constricts. It is right in the name Christopher. I didn’t think I had to tell you that. I would not be caught dead (or maybe I would be caught dead) in a dark room with a boa constrictor around my neck. You be crazy!
The first thing I said was, “Awwwwww!” I’m sorry you almost lost part of your face when the sleepy kitten decided it was meal time, but that baby lion is fricken cute! Thanks for taking one for the blogging team! Next time we expect you to be swimming with a killer whale.
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Anything for my fan(s)! He was super cute and I wanted to cuddle him all day until the face-eating put a damper on it.
That lion cub is so cute. What a fun encounter as long as mama or daddy lion wasn’t around.
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Mama had rejected him. Dads don’t do anything! They don’t even hunt for themselves. They just stand around being pretty and looking fierce. I’m surprised more lionesses don’t just hunt the lions.
Kristine– I too have a severe allergy to horses and cats. Like I need an EpiPen allergic. When I was 2yo I stopped breathing in the horse barns of our state fair. Which is a really shitty way to find out that you’re allergic to horses. I don’t know if I’m allergic to lions but I’m going to go ahead and assume yes. Anyway, perhaps you also should consider keeping an EpiPen on you at all times (if you don’t already). I wonder which would have been a worse way to die? Asphyxiation or having your jugular ripped open. Hmmmm….
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It’s a 50/50 in my opinion. Scratch that. At least you would make the news if a lion killed you by ripping out your jugular especially if you got a good handful of mane under your fingernails while it happened. I’d go with that.
I knew lions could be dangerous, but I didn’t know they could sleep people to death.
I agree. I had no idea the risk I was taking until it was too late. Consider this a public service announcement.