Top Ten People Reminding Me of Food
A couple of things made me write this post. One, I’m eating too much and want to cut back on my portions which means I tell myself I am constantly starving so everything is a food reference. Of course, I am not starving, just have no self-control. Two, don’t we all miss Letterman?
Anyway, I’ve been walking around looking at people, you know judging them, like we all do. And I started to fantasize about food. Not because the people I watched were eating it, although some of them were and that was upsetting because then I had to judge them for their food choices instead of some personal quality they can’t change about themselves.* No, I fantasized about food because I’m constantly starving. Keep up.
So here are The Top Ten People Reminding Me of Food
10. That flat, sweet pre-teen girl behind the cash at Abercrombie definitely makes me want syrupy pancakes.
9. Lawyers remind me of marmalade. Nobody really likes them but we all seem to have some on hand.
8. That homeless guy just minding his own business in his own puddle reminds me of asparagus at a sidewalk grocer. I’d wrinkle my nose up and walk right by both of them unless I had a quarter on me and there was someone watching my moves.
7. That smoothie bar girl with the vapid giggle is all biscuit. Just white flour and water with maybe a touch of ‘shrooms.
6. A hot, sweaty tennis pro is like a slab of good quality Italian parmigiana sitting on a counter in summer. You’ll take one sweaty slice but you know you’ll want another all over your cracker. (That sounded way dirtier than I originally intended but I left it in anyway because it sounded way dirtier than I intended.)
5. Your flamboyant hairdresser who looks truly surprised when you mention anything requiring a third grade education is like a flaky, fruit-filled pastry.
4. All the boys I was ever attracted to were like good strong coffee. Dark and bitter.
3. That very large man shoving his face full of something coming from a paper bag is totally a donut. A giant hole on the inside that is never filled while soft and squishy all around.
2. That greasy mechanic you find all over your car is french fries–because greasy and found all over your car. Again. Keep up.
And the number 1 person reminding me of food is Donald Trump. It would be easy to say he is an orange or cheesies, instead, I will say he is an Eat-more bar. They are both nutty, sticky, make you want to wash your hands, and no one really buys what they are selling**.
*That was a joke. I prefer to judge people for what they are wearing or their zits so I know it is fair to judge me right back, because of samsies.
**Eat-more, you know I love you and I am probably the only person still keeping you in business (not a Trump reference). But, you are not a chocolate bar and should be placed with the health food snacks because peanuts are protein. Understand your place. (That is a Trump reference.)
Who else makes you hungry? I know you have one for me, so let me have it. Chocolate is too easy. That’s, of course, Mister. He’s sweet and creamy and I need him every day. Again. Too dirty? Perfect.
I got nothing! You don’t have a “like” button so I had to write something just to tell you I liked this, but can’t add anything clever here. Crud. Although I do know a person who actually looks like a baked potato – sour cream, bacon bits, chives and everything. As much as I love baked potatoes, looking at this guy makes me want to gag.
I honestly forgot I wrote this one. I’ve been on holidays for almost three weeks and I’m even more food-filled than before. But wait… I do have a like button? Maybe it only works for people with blogs. Must check in on this, or have another snack. You know what I’m going to do first 😉
Okay – duh. I found the like button. I guess I’m just used to seeing them on top of the column, not below the ‘share this’ stuff. Well. Now I know. But I do still want a fully loaded baked potato.
Oh great, now I’m hungry again, and it’s too early for lunch. And you’ve got me wondering what kind of food I would be.
After careful consideration I believe I am Vegemite. The people who like me are kind of unusual and even they can only take me in small quantities.
Christopher recently posted…The Next Generation.
But you go great with butter and I don’t know anyone who doesn’t like butter. Also, vegemite is good vitamin B giving you energy. With all that creamy delicious energy you are reminding me of another item I love–Cafe mocha. Shall I continue my mocha flavoured friend? Again… sounding dirtier than expected. Not gonna apologize again. Just admitting and moving on.
Ha! #6 was my favorite. Mostly because of your qualifying statement. Hmmm, let me think…
Anytime I see a contortionist it makes me think of pretzels for the obvious reason. But also because pretzels go with beer and most anyone or anything can remind me of…..oh look, my mouse looks like a beer!
Arionis recently posted…Back In The Mississippi Mud
Anytime I see beer it will now remind me of you. What a pleasant idea… beer, pretzels, and Arionis. Crap, that sounded dirty too! When will it stop?
You are just beyond hysterical. Love your writing!!
Patricia recently posted…Uncertain Future
Love yours too. Seems like I haven’t been at the keyboard in a month… maybe because I haven’t. Time to get typing again!
Long story short, I should not have happened up on this post at 9 p.m. with stomach growling:). Your #7 pic is not helping.
I’m still so full from dinner I was just like: no. Can’t deal. Give me this tomorrow morning when I haven’t breakfasted!
Having a good summer?