Emergency Room Wisdom (The Saga Continues)
Based on my wildly popular emergency room series, I accompanied a good friend of mine to my favourite place on earth. Not Disney. Emerg! We got there at 745pm and left at 3 something in the morning. I learned plenty and, as always, when I learn something new, I like to share with my peeps. I truly did not know there was any more left to learn or experience in an emergency room, but I was pleasantly surprised.
My friend and I had a fabulous time playing the ‘what’s his ailment’ game. My favourite participant was a gentleman who had injured his hand somehow based on the gauze he had haphazardly wrapped around it and the fact that he kept his hand high above his head the whole time we were there. Every time we asked each other what we thought so-and-so had, we knew he had the answer because he had his hand raised. It made for endless laughs.
We have discovered that the newest form of transportation is not Uber, it is ambulance. The ambulances kept coming and there was nowhere else to walk in the halls. At one point there were 8 ambulance beds and 16 attendants in that hall. Some of the inhabitants of these stretchers were young people texting their friends and flirting with the ambulance attendants. I think a general rule is that if you can chew gum, you should not have called an ambulance. These patients did not seem in pain, distressed or even feverish. Two such women had rolled their ankle and called 911 instead of grabbing a cab or calling a friend. Guess the $75 ambulance fee is cheaper than Uber and they got seen sooner than we did. Maybe I will keep that in mind.
If you listen to what some of the people say it can be down-right hilarious. “Where’s the probe?” “I want to check your backside with a finger.” (did he really mean want?) “Are you wearing pants right now?” “I have a thing about keeping my socks on.” “Are you wearing a bra?” “He was planning on kidnapping me which is why I left.”
That brings me to my favourite patient of the night. She was writhing and squirming and the staff knew her by name when she arrived (always a good sign). She was in her 20s and clearly coming down from some high. She arrived just after we had, checked in and sat for approximately 3 minutes before disappearing for, what I thought, was a smoke. Half an hour later she came in by ambulance, because Uber was going to be 35 minutes, and they had her strapped in. She proceeded to be the first of the screamers for the night and talked about the kidnapping and murdering and running. If you had not seen who the noise was coming from, you would be nervous that you were in the states in some school.
This brings me to the second screamer. She was a teen who had been brought in by ambulance and she was distraught, mostly because I think she was going to be in trouble. She was screaming ‘what’s going on’ and some 80+ lady who was there with her friend (also 80+ and apparently wearing a bra according to the previous question), held her hand and comforted her.
My number one takeaway is that Metamucil is not doing a good enough job of promoting themselves and keeping our emergency rooms clear of poop shoot x-rays. Really, people were going to emergency for constipation at 2am. You know what they are going to do to you in emergency right? They are going to jam a digit up your butt hole. Never mind, I might have just figured out why people are going to emerg in the middle of the night. Ick.
By the way, my friend had a very scary night, but it turned out to be just what the doctor ordered and there were no probes or digits that entered any orifice, so I’d say she won emergency.
I hope everyone had a happy holiday. We only had one other trip to emergency besides this one but that is for another day…