Walls I Am Planning to Build
Canadians are having fun watching the US political
debacle race. I realized I am grossly in need of some physical boundaries after watching Drumpf’s plan to put walls around his country to keep the Canadians, Mexicans and Muslims out. Nothing says inspiration like racism. Am I right?! So, get out the bricks and mortar, I’ve got to make me some walls!
5 Walls I Am Planning to Build
- I propose a high voltage fence around my coffee maker so that guests in my house can stop breaking it. I have a laminated sheet in the coffee cupboard describing, in detail, successful operation of my Baby, and yet it is ignored. Why I ask. Why?
- A forcefield wall is required for myself and my phone to be inside it at all times. This way I will not have to find my phone when I try to leave the house, and no one (that is you, Carolina) can steal my phone and take pictures of half-naked men that I don’t appreciate and change my screen saver from my lovely children to half-naked men. Half-naked men are bad. Bad, bad boys. In my forcefield wall, I will attempt to remove those photos permanently. I have tried, but I just can’t figure it out.
- I need an alarmed wall around the snack cupboard with reporting back to Mister and my doctor. With all this writing I am doing and the time I have to spend ‘walking away from my work’ before I edit, I am about to be strapped to bed with a camera crew overhead recording my decent into madness. Soon, instead of building walls, they will be removing them to pull me out of the house for my funeral. It might not be that bad yet, but if I am ever going to get my reality show, that is my best bet since I bought The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up and actually ruined my chances to appear on Hoarders. Mister ruined Married at First Sight for me, so my last chance is to eat myself onto a show. I’d call it Lady in Bed and change the words to Lady in Red for the theme song. Good plan, yes?
- I need a fingerprint and retina enabled wall around the Apple TV remote, ensuring the channel and volume are my responsibility alone when I am watching Netflix. If an attempt is made to approach the remote an alarm will sound with the words bellowing loud enough for the police 2 km away to hear. “Back away from the remote slowly so no one gets hurt.”
- Around the tiny pieces of Lego strewn throughout the house I need a warning wall. I am tired of stepping on it and picking it up, and it is the only real wall we need. Granted, I will make it out of Lego presumably negating the need for said wall. But, won’t it be fun to make?
There you have it. The five walls and types that would make my life more livable. Who wants to help?
Here’s a bonus wall: A wall of flames to light anyone up with too much spray tan and a flammable comb-over from entering the country and using our air to fill up lungs for spewing racist, sexist and self-serving drivel.
And a joke: Did you hear the joke about the high wall? It’s hilarious. I’m still trying to get over it.